Why am I still grieving so intensely months/years later?
Many people quietly wonder:
Why does this still hurt so much?
Shouldn’t I be feeling better by now?
Is something wrong with me?
Why am I still grieving years later?
There’s a lot of pressure in our culture to “be okay” after a certain amount of time. But grief doesn’t follow a calendar or timeline. Grief is not something you get over. It’s something you learn to live with.
Intensity Doesn’t Always Mean Something Is Wrong
Even months or years later, grief can feel intense. Grief waves can still show up unexpectedly. Certain dates, memories, or life events can bring everything back to the surface. This just means your loss mattered.
Grief can feel especially intense or long-lasting when:
The death was sudden or traumatic
There were complicated relationship dynamics
You didn’t get closure
You were very closely connected
The loss significantly changed your daily life or your identity
When a death was traumatic, some people don’t just miss the person, they relive aspects of how the death happened. They may experience intrusive memories, mental images, or a sense of being pulled back into the moment they found out. That kind of grief can feel more challenging and difficult to move forward with.
Over time, many people find that grief shifts. It may not dominate every hour of the day. But it doesn’t vanish.
You might function well most days and still have moments when it feels raw. You might laugh more and still miss them deeply. You may build a full life and still carry the absence.
Both things can be true.
Growing around grief doesn’t mean it’s gone. It means your life has expanded enough to hold it.
When to Consider Additional Support:
There is no “correct” timeline. But it may be helpful to seek professional support if:
The intensity feels constant with little relief
You are frequently reliving the death itself
Intrusive memories or images feel overwhelming
You feel stuck in guilt, anger, or despair
You are unable to function in daily life
You feel hopeless or unsafe
Seeking support is not about labeling your grief. It’s about helping you carry it in a way that feels more manageable. Check out Grief in Common with Karyn Arnold for additional resources, including grief groups or grief coaching.
