Why am I still grieving so intensely months/years later?

Many people quietly wonder:

• Why does this still hurt so much?

• Shouldn’t I be feeling better by now?

• Is something wrong with me?

• Why am I still grieving years later?

There’s a lot of pressure in our culture to “be okay” after a certain amount of time. But grief doesn’t follow a calendar or timeline. Grief is not something you get over. It’s something you learn to live with.

Intensity Doesn’t Always Mean Something Is Wrong
Even months or years later, grief can feel intense. Grief waves can still show up unexpectedly. Certain dates, memories, or life events can bring everything back to the surface. This just means your loss mattered.

Grief can feel especially intense or long-lasting when:

• The death was sudden or traumatic

• There were complicated relationship dynamics

• You didn’t get closure

• You were very closely connected

• The loss significantly changed your daily life or your identity

When a death was traumatic, some people don’t just miss the person, they relive aspects of how the death happened. They may experience intrusive memories, mental images, or a sense of being pulled back into the moment they found out. That kind of grief can feel more challenging and difficult to move forward with.

Over time, many people find that grief shifts. It may not dominate every hour of the day. But it doesn’t vanish.
You might function well most days and still have moments when it feels raw. You might laugh more and still miss them deeply. You may build a full life and still carry the absence.
Both things can be true.
Growing around grief doesn’t mean it’s gone. It means your life has expanded enough to hold it.

When to Consider Additional Support:
There is no “correct” timeline. But it may be helpful to seek professional support if:

• The intensity feels constant with little relief

• You are frequently reliving the death itself

• Intrusive memories or images feel overwhelming

• You feel stuck in guilt, anger, or despair

• You are unable to function in daily life

• You feel hopeless or unsafe

Seeking support is not about labeling your grief. It’s about helping you carry it in a way that feels more manageable. Check out Grief in Common with Karyn Arnold for additional resources, including grief groups or grief coaching.

What Does Grief Feel Like? (Emotionally & Physically)

Grief is not just emotional. It affects your thoughts, your behaviors, your body, and sometimes your spiritual or existential beliefs. Many people are surprised by how physical grief feels. If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing is normal, you’re not alone.

Grief Is More Than Sadness

People often expect grief to feel like sadness. But many describe it as a bundled-up box of emotions, multiple feelings happening all at once.
You might experience:

• Sadness and anger in the same hour

• Relief and guilt together

• Numbness followed by intense emotion

• Anxiety, fear, or irritability

• A sense of meaninglessness or questioning your beliefs

Grief is rarely one emotion at a time. It can feel layered and unpredictable.

The Cognitive Effects of Grief
Grief can impact how you think. Many people report:

• Brain fog

• Forgetfulness

• Trouble concentrating

• Difficulty making decisions

• Re-reading the same sentence multiple times

This is often called “grief brain,” and it’s a common reaction after a significant loss.

The Physical Symptoms of Grief
Grief is stored in the body. It can feel heavy, almost like you’re physically carrying something.
Common physical symptoms of grief include:

• Extreme exhaustion

• Sleep disruption

• Headaches

• Stomachaches or digestive changes

• Muscle tension or body aches

• Tightness in the chest

• Changes in appetite

Research shows that stress levels increase during grief, and inflammation in the body can rise. This can make you feel run down and more susceptible to illness. You’re not imagining it. Grief can truly be physical.

Behavioral and Spiritual Shifts
You may also notice changes in how you behave or see the world:

• Withdrawing from others

• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed

• Avoiding certain places or conversations

• Questioning your faith or long-held beliefs

• Feeling different from who you used to be

Loss has a way of shaking the foundation of how we understand life.

If this sounds familiar, it's because grief can feel overwhelming, as it impacts so many areas at once. It isn’t “just” emotional. It’s a full-body, full-life experience.

If you want to hear real conversations about what grief actually feels like, including grief brain, physical symptoms, and emotional waves, we talk openly about this on the GRIEF Ladies podcast, as well as tools to help you with these feelings and symptoms. New episodes come out every Wednesday as we go through our GRIEF Ladies Framework- Grieving, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding.

How to Live with Loss

Many people search for this in the middle of the night:

How do I get over this?
How do I move on?
How do I make this stop hurting?

The truth is, grief is not something you get over. It’s something you learn to live with.

In the Beginning, Grief Can Take Over Everything
In the first few days, weeks, and even months following the death of a loved one, grief often feels overwhelming. It can impact:

• Your sleep

• Your focus

• Your relationships

• Your work

• Your sense of identity

• Your ability to plan for the future

It can feel like grief is touching every part of your life at once. When you're feeling that it’s common to want relief and fast.
As you move forward, grief often looks and feels different. It may not dominate every moment of your day. The waves may become less constant. You may find ways to function, to laugh again, to engage in life. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone.
It means you are growing around it.

Some people describe it this way: your grief doesn’t necessarily shrink, but your life begins to expand. You grow bigger than your grief. There is more room inside you for joy, connection, purpose, and memory alongside the pain.
The love is still there. The loss is still real. But it isn’t consuming every breath.

So What Actually Helps?

You don’t “get over” a loss by forcing yourself to move on. You learn to live with it by:

• Developing coping skills for when waves hit

• Rebuilding routines and structure

• Learning how to talk about your grief

• Finding ways to stay connected to the person who died

• Allowing both hard emotions and moments of relief

This is the kind of practical, real-life approach we focus on inside the GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community, a place where people share what it’s really like to live with loss and support one another through it.

There is no deadline for healing. There is no requirement to “be done” with your grief. Learning to live with loss is a gradual process. And it’s okay if you’re still in the part where it feels heavy. You are not behind. You are grieving.

Is My Grief Normal?

Many grieving individuals worry if what they are feeling is normal, or if what they’re feeling is too much, not enough, or somehow wrong. This is one of the most common questions people ask after the death of someone they love.

In grief groups, we constantly hear:
“I am going to say something that might sound crazy, but…”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
And almost every time, heads nod around the room in agreement

The reality is that while grief is unique, many grieving individuals experience similar reactions.

Common and normal grief symptoms include:

• Grief brain (forgetfulness, brain fog, difficulty concentrating)

• Grief Bursts: sudden waves of emotion or tears “out of nowhere.”

• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, a tight chest, or extreme exhaustion

• Sleep changes- extreme exhaustion, trouble falling or staying asleep

• Increased anxiety or irritability

• Feeling disconnected from friends and family

• Deep loneliness

• Questioning your faith or worldview

• Feeling okay one moment and a complete mess the next

  These are all very normal reactions, and this list could go on and on. Grief does not move through predictable stages. It does not follow a straight timeline. It often comes in waves, and there is no timeline for how long this will last.

  
  If you want to hear real conversations about what grief actually feels like, including grief brain, triggers, and why waves happen, we talk openly about this on the GRIEF Ladies podcast, where we normalize the parts of grief people are often afraid to say out loud. Check out new episodes every Wednesday, which is available on all major podcast platforms and YouTube at: GRIEF Ladies - YouTube