Why We Wrote The First Year After Loss

When life knocks us down, most of us have ways of coping. We lean on the people we trust. We throw ourselves into work for a while. We exercise. We spend time with friends. We distract ourselves with hobbies. We remind ourselves of other difficult things we've survived and draw confidence from knowing we've gotten through hard times before. We rely on routines and familiar structures to create a sense of stability while life feels uncertain.

Then a significant loss occurs, and suddenly, the life we knew how to navigate no longer exists.

The person we would normally call may be the very person who died. Friends and family are often grieving too, leaving them with less capacity to support us in the ways they once did. The hobbies and interests that used to bring comfort can suddenly feel meaningless. Our routines change because the life those routines were built around no longer exists. Even our confidence in ourselves can take a hit as we struggle with forgetfulness, indecision, exhaustion, and a complete lack of motivation.

In other words, loss doesn't simply create pain. It destabilizes many of the systems we would normally rely upon to recover from pain.

We think this is one of the reasons the first year after loss feels so bewildering. People often come into grief believing they are mourning one person, only to discover they are also grieving a future they expected to have, a role they once occupied, a sense of security, familiar routines, important relationships, and even parts of themselves. They find themselves struggling with things that used to come naturally and wondering why they can't seem to "get it together." What they don't realize is that they are trying to adapt to an entirely new reality while many of the supports that would normally help them adapt have changed or disappeared.

This is also why so many grieving people ask the same questions. Why am I so tired? Why can't I concentrate? Why do I feel worse now than I did three months ago? Why don't I enjoy anything anymore? Why do I feel so disconnected from everyone around me? Beneath all of those questions is often a deeper one: Is this normal?

After hearing those questions for years, we began talking about how difficult it can be for grieving people to find straightforward, practical information during the time they need it most. The irony, of course, is that grief itself affects concentration, memory, motivation, and the ability to absorb information. People are desperate to understand what is happening to them at exactly the same time they are least able to read a dense book or sort through complicated explanations.

That realization became the foundation for our GRIEF Brain Reader Series, a collection of books on grief and life after loss designed specifically for people whose worlds have been forever changed. We wanted these books to be practical, accessible, and easy to return to—offering information, reassurance, and guidance without requiring the focus, energy, or emotional bandwidth that grief often takes away.

That conversation eventually became The First Year After Loss: A GRIEF Ladies Guide to Everything You Need to Know. We wanted to create the book we wished every grieving person had during those early months—the book that explains not only what grief is, but why it feels so hard. A book that helps people understand the exhaustion, the fog, the loneliness, the identity changes, the relationship challenges, and the countless secondary losses that often accompany the death of someone important.

No book can remove the pain of grief. No book can tell someone exactly what their experience will look like. But we do believe that understanding matters. There is comfort in learning that what feels frightening is often normal. There is relief in discovering that other people have struggled with the same thoughts, questions, and fears. There is tremendous value in realizing that the exhaustion, confusion, forgetfulness, loneliness, and sense of being completely unlike yourself are experiences shared by many grieving people.

The first year after loss asks an enormous amount of us. It asks us to carry heartbreak while adapting to change. It asks us to learn new routines, navigate unfamiliar emotions, and make sense of a world that no longer looks the way we expected it to. We hope this book helps people feel less confused, less alone, and better equipped to understand what is happening to them as they find their way through one of the most difficult years of their lives.

The First Year of Loss will be available on Amazon on Tuesday, June 16th. Want to hear more about why we are starting with this book, check out: https://youtu.be/Nfz8_vQbWck?si=qkVHy8ivBGEirpnS

How Do You Celebrate the Life of Someone Who Died?

Honoring the person you loved doesn't have to follow a script. Five guests from the GRIEF Ladies Podcast — one for every letter of the GRIEF framework — share how they encourage grieving people to celebrate a life, keep a memory alive, and carry love forward in ways that feel true to them.

G · Grounding: How can honoring someone help you feel connected when grief feels physical?

Grief lives in the body as much as the mind. Dr. Larissa Tate, clinical psychologist and sleep specialist, understands that the early days of grief are often about survival — eating, sleeping, getting through. But even within that survival mode, small acts of honoring can provide comfort and grounding.

Her approach to celebrating a life focuses on the sensory and the simple — the things that bring someone's presence back in a way the body can feel. A favorite meal. A song. A walk somewhere they loved. These aren't small gestures. They are anchors.

📊 Stat: Research on continuing bonds — the idea that maintaining a connection to someone who has died supports healthy grief — shows that meaningful rituals and sensory reminders can reduce grief-related distress and increase feelings of closeness to the person who died. This isn't about staying stuck. It's about staying connected.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Dr. Larissa Tate

‍ ‍R · Rebuilding: How do you help a child celebrate the life of someone they loved?

Children need permission to remember. When someone dies, the adults around them are often so focused on protecting them from pain that they forget to invite them into the celebration of a life. Jennifer's work with children in grief centers on exactly this — creating space for children to remember, honor, and stay connected.

Her approach to celebrating a life with children involves making it tangible and age-appropriate: a memory box, a drawing, a special place in the home where a photo lives. When children have a way to participate in honoring someone, they learn that grief and love belong together.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Jennifer on children and grief

‍ ‍I · Interacting: How does a meaningful funeral celebration change the way families grieve together?

The way a life is honored at the end shapes how a family grieves together going forward. Brittany DeMarco-Furman, a fourth-generation licensed funeral director, has witnessed this firsthand across hundreds of families. When a service is personal, intentional, and reflective of who someone truly was, it gives the people left behind something to hold onto.

Her approach to celebrating a life is rooted in storytelling and personalization — music that mattered, objects that tell a story, space for people to share memories out loud. A funeral, in Brittany's view, is not an obligation. It is an opportunity.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Brittany DeMarco-Furman

E · Evolving: How do you celebrate a life when your grief is complicated?

Not every relationship was simple. Not every death comes with clean emotions. Holly McNeill, mindfulness educator and creator of the P.E.R.L.O.V.E. Formula, works with people whose grief is layered with things that are hard to name — guilt, anger, relief, regret. Her approach to celebrating a life makes room for all of it.

Holly encourages grieving people to honor the full truth of who someone was — not a perfect version, not a painful version, but the real one. Celebration doesn't require that everything was good. It requires that something was real.

📊 Stat: Studies on complicated grief and ambivalent relationships suggest that finding ways to honor what was meaningful — even within difficult relationships — can support grief integration and reduce prolonged grief symptoms. Acknowledgment of complexity is not a barrier to honoring a life. It is part of it.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Holly McNeill

F · Finding: How do you celebrate the life of a pet?

Pets are companions, witnesses, and family. When they die, the grief is real and the need to honor them is just as real. Adam Greenbaum created Love Baxter after the death of his Boston Terrier Baxter, and his work is built on one simple belief: every animal deserves to be celebrated.

His approach to celebrating a pet's life includes memorializing in ways that feel personal — a paw print, a dedicated space in the home, a donation in their name, or simply telling their story out loud to someone who will listen. The love was real. The celebration should be too.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Adam Greenbaum on pet loss

The love doesn't end. The celebration is how you carry it.

Celebrating a life isn't something that happens once at a funeral and then stops. It's ongoing — woven into the routines you rebuild, the conversations you have with your children, the rituals you return to, the memories you let yourself feel. Every guest in this post reminds us that honoring someone is not about holding on. It's about carrying them forward.

Watch the video: https://youtu.be/FKsc27itlOY

What Actually Happens in the First Year of Grief and Why Nobody Warns You

The first year after a loss is unlike anything else you will experience. And yet most people go into it completely unprepared because nobody talks honestly about what it actually feels like. That's not because people don't care. It's because grief is still one of the most underdiscussed experiences in our culture. We show up for the funeral. We bring the casseroles. And then, as Kelly Daugherty often says: "By the time the casseroles have been eaten, the phone has stopped ringing, and the funeral is over, then it really hits them." And when it hits, many people ask the same question: Am I grieving, or am I going crazy? The answer, almost always, is: you are grieving. And this is what grief actually looks like.

What Is "Grief Brain" and Is It Real?

Yes. Grief brain is real, and it affects more people than most realize. When you are in early grief, your nervous system is under enormous strain. Stress hormones are elevated. Sleep is disrupted. Your body and mind are working overtime to process something that has no quick resolution. As a result, many grieving people experience significant cognitive changes — including difficulty concentrating, forgetting things they would never normally forget, struggling to read or retain information, and feeling mentally foggy or scattered. This is why Kelly Daugherty and Karyn Arnold — co-hosts of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast and co-authors of The First Year After Loss — designed their new Grief Brain Reader series with the grief brain specifically in mind. The books are intentionally short and digestible. Because handing a grieving person a 300-page book isn't helpful. It's another complication. "Your grief brain can handle this" is the message behind the series. It was written for exactly where you are right now.

The Firsts Nobody Prepares You For

The first year of grief is filled with firsts you didn't ask for. The first birthday without them. The first holiday. The first time someone asks how you're doing and you genuinely don't know what to say. The first time you reach for your phone to call them — and remember. Each of these firsts carries its own weight. And many people are surprised to find that certain ones hit harder than they expected — sometimes months later, sometimes on a completely ordinary Tuesday with no obvious trigger. This is not unusual. This is grief doing exactly what grief does.

Grief Bursts: When It Comes Out of Nowhere

One of the most disorienting experiences in grief is what clinicians sometimes call a grief burst — a sudden, intense wave of grief that arrives without warning. You might be in the grocery store, driving to work, or sitting quietly at home when something — a smell, a song, a phrase — brings the loss rushing back with full force. Kelly Daugherty, an LCSW-R and grief specialist with over two decades of experience, is open about her own experience with this. Her mother has been gone for 32 years. And grief bursts still come. "I had a grief burst the other day about my mom. It's been 32 years. And it still hit me. Because grief doesn't have an expiration date." This is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a sign that you loved someone deeply. And it is completely normal.

What the First Year Actually Needs

The first year of grief deserves focused, intentional support. Not a timeline. Not a checklist. Not someone telling you that you should be further along by now. What helps, according to decades of combined clinical experience from Kelly and Karyn, is this: Finding your people. Co-regulation — the nervous-system science of being around safe, calm people — is one of the most powerful tools in early grief. You need people who can sit with you in it. Who don't need you to perform being okay. Normalizing what you're experiencing. Knowing that grief brain is real, that grief bursts are normal, that the first year is hard for a reason — this alone can reduce the shame and confusion that makes grief even heavier. Short, digestible resources. When you can't concentrate, when reading feels impossible, when your brain can't hold a lot — you need resources that meet you there. Not resources that add to the overwhelm.

The First Year After Loss — Coming Soon

The First Year After Loss, the first book in the Grief Brain Reader series by Kelly Daugherty and Karyn Arnold, will be available now on Amazon on June 16th. It is short. It is honest. It is written for the grief brain — on purpose. And it is for anyone in their first year of loss, anyone who loves someone in their first year, and anyone who has been carrying grief longer than a year and never had a resource that truly met them where they were.

Want to hear more about this book, check out the GRIEF Ladies Bonus Podcast Episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0VR2fwgmnguI6P3Yl9qGx2?si=L_jbfIT_Rw6pJymenTAn_g

What Should You Do When You're Grieving? 5 Experts Share One Action Step Each

Grief can make it hard to know where to start. Each expert in this post is a guest from the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, and each one was asked a single question: what is one actionable step a grieving person can take right now? Their answers span every letter of the GRIEF Ladies framework — and together, they give you a place to begin.

G · Grounding: What can you do when grief is keeping you up at night?

Sleep is one of the first things grief disrupts — and one of the hardest to reclaim. Dr. Larissa Tate, a clinical psychologist specializing in sleep, anxiety, and trauma, shares that grief sleep disturbances are not a personal failing. They are a physiological response to loss, and there are evidence-based tools to address them.

Dr. Tate's action step: start with your sleep environment and your wind-down routine before reaching for medication. Small, consistent changes — what time you go to bed, how much light you're exposed to in the evening, what you do in the hour before sleep — can create meaningful shifts over time.

📊 Stat: Research shows that bereaved individuals are significantly more likely to experience insomnia than the general population, with some studies indicating rates as high as 40–50% among the newly bereaved. Sleep disruption can worsen emotional regulation, concentration, and physical health — making it one of the most important areas to address early in grief.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Dr. Larissa Tate on sleep and grief

R · Rebuilding: How do you support a child who is grieving?

Children grieve differently than adults, and they often need adults to help them rebuild a sense of safety and routine after a loss. Jennifer joined us to talk about what children actually need when someone they love has died — and what the adults around them can do to help.

Her action step: don't wait for a child to bring it up. Create space for the conversation by naming what happened directly and age-appropriately. Children take cues from the adults around them. When adults are willing to talk about death, children learn that their feelings are safe to share.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Jennifer on children and grief

I · Interacting: How does a funeral director help families communicate during grief?

Grief changes every relationship — and the days immediately following a death can bring out both the best and the most complicated parts of family dynamics. Brittany DeMarco-Furman, a fourth-generation licensed funeral director at Glenville Funeral Home, has guided hundreds of families through those first hours and days.

Her action step: have the conversation before you need to. Pre-planning a funeral — or even just talking openly about end-of-life wishes — is one of the most loving things a family can do for each other. It removes the burden of guessing during the hardest moments, and it opens a door for honest communication about what matters.

💬 Quote: "It's the last gift you can give your family." — Brittany DeMarco-Furman

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Brittany DeMarco-Furman on family communication and grief

E · Evolving: What do you do when grief emotions feel impossible to sit with?

The emotions that show up in grief — anger, guilt, fear, regret — can feel like walls rather than doorways. Holly McNeill, known as The Mindfulness Architect, developed the P.E.R.L.O.V.E. Formula after her own experience of profound personal loss. Her work focuses on helping people understand how their minds function under stress so they can engage with pain more consciously.

Her action step: pause before you react to a difficult emotion. You don't have to fix the feeling or push it away — just notice it. Mindfulness isn't about becoming calm; it's about becoming curious. That small shift from reaction to observation can change your entire relationship to the emotion.

📊 Stat: Studies on mindfulness-based interventions for grief have found reductions in grief-related rumination and increases in psychological flexibility among bereaved participants. The ability to observe emotions without being consumed by them is a trainable skill — not a personality trait.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Holly McNeill on mindfulness and grief

F · Finding: How do you grieve a pet when no one around you understands?

Pet loss is one of the most common forms of disenfranchised grief — grief that isn't fully recognized or validated by others. Adam Greenbaum created Love Baxter, the world's largest pet end-of-life resource, after the death of his Boston Terrier, Baxter, in October 2024. His episode is a reminder that the grief you feel for an animal is not small, and you don't have to explain it to anyone.

His action step: find your people. Seek out communities — online or in person — where pet loss is taken seriously and your grief is welcome. Isolation makes grief harder. Connection, even with strangers who understand, makes it more bearable.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode with Adam Greenbaum on pet loss and finding connection

One framework. Five action steps. A place to begin.

The GRIEF Ladies framework — Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding — was built on the understanding that grief touches every part of life. There is no single right place to start. But there is always somewhere. The five guests in this post each offer one small, real step you can take in the area of grief that feels most pressing for you right now.

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You Don't Have to Grieve Alone: How Grief Coaching Groups Can Help

After a loss, one of the hardest things isn't just the grief itself — it's the feeling that no one around you really gets it. Grief support groups exist for exactly that reason: to put you in a room (or a Zoom) with people who understand because they've been there too. Grief in Common, founded by grief coach Karyn Arnold, offers virtual group support designed around connection, compassion, and real conversation.

What Makes a Grief Support Group Different From Going It Alone?

Grief can shrink your world quickly. Friends may not know what to say. Family members are grieving too, often in different ways. A support group offers something most of us can't find elsewhere — people who don't need you to explain yourself, because they already understand. Research consistently shows that social support is one of the most significant factors in how people move through grief. A group gives you that support on a regular, structured basis.

A 2021 review published in Death Studies found that grief support group participation was associated with significant reductions in feelings of isolation and improvements in overall coping. For many, the group itself becomes a lifeline.

What Groups Does Grief in Common Offer?

Karyn's Zoom grief support groups are organized around specific types of loss, so you're not walking into a generic room — you're connecting with people who share your particular experience. Current groups include support for those who have experienced the death of a spouse or partner, the death of a parent, and estrangement. Special topic seminars are also available on a rotating basis. All groups are led by Karyn and held in a safe, compassionate virtual environment.

What If You're Not Ready for a Group?

Group support isn't the right fit for everyone — at least not right away. If you're looking for something more personal, Karyn also offers one-on-one virtual coaching sessions. Individual coaching is tailored to your unique experience and goals, and gives you dedicated space to make sense of what you're going through, build tools for navigating daily life, and find ways to carry your person forward. Couples sessions are also available for when grief is putting strain on a relationship. Whether you start with individual coaching and move into a group later, or do both at once, Karyn meets you where you are.

What Can You Expect in a Grief in Common Group?

These groups are coaching-based, not therapy — which means the focus is on connection, practical tools, and finding your footing going forward. Sessions are held via Zoom, so you can join from wherever you are. Whether you're newly bereaved or further along and still looking for community, there's space for you here.

‍ ‍Grief can feel isolating, but healing happens in connection."

— Karyn Arnold, Grief Coach & Founder, Grief in Common

Who Is Karyn Arnold?

Karyn Arnold is a grief coach and the founder of Grief in Common. She works with individuals and groups navigating loss of all kinds, guided by empathy, connection, and hope. Karyn is also the co-host of the GRIEF Ladies podcast, where she and I dig into what grief actually looks like — and what it means to keep living alongside it.

Visit Karyn’s website at www.griefincommon.com to sign up for one of her groups or individual coaching session.

Please note: Grief in Common offers coaching services, not therapy. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

What Do You Do With a Loved One's Belongings After They Die?

Sorting through a loved one's belongings after they die is one of the hardest parts of grief — and one of the least talked about. The short answer: start with the stories behind the things, not the things themselves, and give yourself permission to go at whatever pace you need. In this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Kelly and Karyn sit down with decluttering specialist Janine McDonald to explore the emotional and practical realities of going through someone's stuff.

Why Is This So Much Harder Than It Sounds?

It's rarely the furniture that stops people in their tracks. More often it's the small things — a pillbox, a well-worn hat, something that seems insignificant to everyone else but holds an entire relationship inside it. Janine explains that objects carry stories, and those stories are what make this process so emotionally complex. Her approach isn't about tidying up — it's about understanding what something meant before deciding what to do with it.

Research from the American Psychological Association identifies decision-making as one of the most cognitively taxing tasks during bereavement, as grief significantly affects attention, memory, and executive function — which helps explain why even small choices about belongings can feel impossible.

How Do You Move Forward Without Feeling Like You're Letting Go of the Person?

This is where the episode gets really good. Janine shares specific, compassionate strategies for when you want to keep everything, when family members disagree, when there's no sentimental meaning but releasing something still feels wrong, and how to repurpose items that can't be used the way they were intended. She also offers one practical gut-check question that Karyn said she'll be thinking about for a long time.

The through-line of everything Janine shares: the memories live in you, not in the objects.

Listen to the full episode (https://youtu.be/9OXwDgETf6E?si=Ky5BkdP1RfvObfWI) to hear Janine's step-by-step approach, her real client stories, and her advice for anyone who feels completely stuck on where to even begin.

How Does Grief Affect Your Body — And What Can You Do About It?

Grief doesn't just live in your mind — it lives in your body, and your nervous system experiences loss as a threat to safety. The short answer to what helps: gentleness, not force. In this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Kelly and Karyn are joined by gentle trauma release practitioner and personal empowerment coach Ramona Kossowan to talk about what's really happening in the body during grief, and what actually helps.

Why Does Grief Feel So Physical?

Sleep disruption, digestive issues, pain, a complete loss of identity — these aren't separate from grief, they're part of it. Ramona explains that trauma and grief live in the nervous system, not just in our thoughts. When we experience significant loss, our sense of safety is threatened, and the body responds accordingly. Most people don't recognize this as trauma — especially when a death was anticipated or happened after a long illness. But as Ramona points out, elements of shock exist no matter what, and the caregiving experience itself can leave lasting imprints on the nervous system.

Research published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that bereaved individuals show measurable changes in immune function, cardiovascular stress response, and sleep architecture — confirming that grief's impact on the body is biological, not just emotional.

What Actually Helps the Body Feel Safe Again?

This is where the episode gets practical. Ramona's approach — rooted in polyvagal theory — focuses on sending the nervous system cues of safety rather than pushing through or forcing progress. That can look like a warm breakfast eaten slowly, gentle movement outdoors, time with people who don't require you to perform okay-ness, or working with someone trained to help the nervous system process what it's been holding.

She also names something not enough people hear: a person can be well-meaning and still not be emotionally safe for you right now. That's not a judgment — it's useful information about what your body needs.

The episode includes Ramona's own grief story, which adds depth and honesty to everything she shares about why this work matters.

Listen to the full episode for Ramona's accessible explanation of polyvagal theory, what a gentle trauma release session actually looks like, and her specific guidance on movement and body-based coping skills during grief.

What Actually Helps: 5 Practical Grief Coping Tools from Real People

Nobody hands you a manual when someone dies.

You're just supposed to figure it out. And most of the advice out there?

It's vague, it's generic, and honestly — it doesn't help.

That's why I love asking our GRIEF Ladies guests to share one practical

coping tool that has actually made a difference in their grief journey.

Not theory. Not platitudes. Just real, actionable steps from real people

who are living it.

5 Guests. 5 Real Coping Tools.

I pulled the actionable steps from five recent episodes and put them

together in one video — because sometimes you just need something

concrete to try.

💛 Featured guests:

- Kelly Myerson (Ep. 22)

- Kat Farace (Ep. 23)

- Charlotte Shuber (Ep. 24)

- Cori Myka (Ep. 25)

- April Hannah (Ep. 26)

Watch it here: https://youtu.be/qpig6OP0Uvk

Your Turn

After you watch, comment on the video. What is one coping tool that has helped you in your grief? Drop it in the comments — your answer

might be exactly what someone else in this community needs today.

And if you want to hear the full story behind each coping tool, the complete episodes are linked below.

🎙️ Full Episodes:

Watch the full episodes:

Link to Ep. 22: https://youtu.be/Oj5HF0xuHhU?si=MU5oBHHuILkhZt6

Link to Ep. 23: https://youtu.be/xRevq_ZcDYo?si=9Pl3DTUQXpJa20Ww

Link to Ep. 24: https://youtu.be/5OEe88S1Sk4?si=ZhPOnLbf6OJr0BXN

Link to Ep. 25: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8?si=PuS0JThk4BY43s1m

Link to Ep. 26: https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY?si=gMWPaAyvhobg_VJH

You're not alone in this. And you don't have to figure it out by yourself. Join the Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Ak2yus1cW/

Can You Still Connect With Someone Who Has Died? April Hannah Says Yes | GRIEF Ladies Ep. 26

What if the connection doesn't have to end when someone dies?

That's exactly what we explored in Episode 26 of GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next with our guest April Hannah — licensed therapist,

intuitive healer, and someone who has spent over 26 years helping people heal in ways that go far beyond traditional therapy.

Where Science Meets Spirit

April's work bridges two worlds that don't always get to sit at the same table — clinical psychotherapy and what she calls the mystical. Think Reiki, sound healing, guided art, and a fascinating evidence-based therapy protocol called Induced After-Death Communication.

Yes, you read that right. Evidence-based.

What makes this episode extra special is that April and I (Kelly) are trained in this protocol together — and actually just wrapped up one of our Induced After-Death Communication retreats the weekend before we recorded this. Safe to say we are both still buzzing from it.

And before you scroll past — research suggests that between 50 and 75 percent of people experience some form of after-death communication after

losing someone they love. So chances are, something April talks about in this episode is going to feel very familiar.

Signs, Dreams & Staying Connected

April gets into the many ways those who have died may reach out — and more importantly, how you can open yourself up to receiving those

connections. She shares practical steps anyone can start today, whether you're a believer, a skeptic, or somewhere in between.

Because, as April says, she's no longer skeptical. And after hearing what happened at her retreat the weekend before this episode was recorded,

we're not surprised. You'll want to hear that part. 🎧

Plus — April Gets Personal

We asked April how she stays connected to her own mom, who has died. Her answer is tender, real, and gives you a glimpse into how someone who does this work professionally still navigates it in her own everyday life.

Listen to Episode 26 here:https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY

Connect with April:

🌐 HannahsHealing.com

📲 Search: April Hannah + after death communication

Have you ever experienced a sign or moment of connection from someone who has died? We'd love to hear about it in the comments on YouTube. This community is a safe space to share — no skepticism here.

What Learning to Swim Taught Us About Grief — with Cori Myka | GRIEF Ladies Ep. 25

What could learning to swim possibly have to do with grief?

More than you'd think.

In Episode 25 of GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next, we welcomed Cori Myka, founder of Calm Within Adult Swim, and the conversation took

a turn we didn't expect — in the best possible way.

Fear. Overwhelm. Not Knowing What Comes Next.

Cori works with adults who are terrified of the water. And as she started describing what her clients experience — the fear, the overwhelm,

the pressure to get it right — we couldn't help but notice how much it sounded like grief.

Because grief puts you in a whole new world too. One where you don't know the rules, you don't know what's coming, and everyone around you

seems to expect you to just figure it out.

Cori shared a powerful framework for slowing all of that down — and it turns out it works whether you're standing at the edge of a pool or

standing at the edge of a whole new life without someone you love.

The Takeaway You Can Try Right Now

One of our favorite moments in this episode was when Cori shared a simple, practical tool you can use anywhere — in a meeting, in a grocery

store line, at a family gathering — when a grief wave hits and you need to come back to yourself.

It's small. It's tangible. And it just might help.

You'll have to listen to get the full details. 🎧

Plus — Cori Shares Something Personal

We also asked Cori how she celebrates those who have died in her own life. Her answer was beautiful, unexpected, and something that stuck

with us long after we stopped recording.

Listen to Episode 25 here: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8

Connect with Cori:

🌐 adultswimlesson.com

📲 @CalmWithinAdultSwim

Have you ever found an unexpected connection between something in your life and your grief? Tell us in the comments of the video — we'd love to hear it.

Still Celebrating Them: How 5 Guests Honor Those Who Have Died

Grief doesn't end the love. And for so many of us, it doesn't end the celebrating either.

One of the questions I get asked most in the grief community is — is it okay to still celebrate someone who has died? Their birthday. Their

favorite holiday. The little everyday moments that used to belong to them.

The answer is yes. Absolutely, beautifully, yes.

And on GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next, five of our incredible guests showed us exactly how they do it.

This Topic Is Deeply Personal to Me

I recently contributed Chapter 17 to The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing, Volume 6 — a collaborative project with Brave Healer Productions. My chapter is titled Celebrate Their Life: Focusing on Gratitude, Connection, and What Still Remains.

In it, I share my own grief story. My mom died when I was 14. In November 2024, my dad died too. And learning to stay connected to them changed everything about how I experience grief. The chapter explores how grief and gratitude can coexist — and how honoring the life of someone we love can soften grief without any pressure to move on or let go.

"Grief doesn't ask us to let go of our loved ones — it invites us to find new ways to carry them forward."

I also created a meditation to go alongside the chapter. If you're looking for a gentle place to start, this is it. 💛

▶️ Watch the meditation here: https://youtu.be/ionQT1zRMAE?si=_WNsz0kdodVf-W_8

Check out the Ultimate Guide to Self Healing - Volume 6 at: https://a.co/d/03Wuh0hm

What Does It Mean to Celebrate Those Who Have Died?

Celebrating those who have died looks different for everyone. For some it's a ritual — lighting a candle, cooking their favorite meal, visiting a special place. For others it's showing up to their birthday with balloons and tears and laughter all at once. There is no right way.

There is only your way.

What I've learned from hosting GRIEF Ladies is that the people who find ways to keep celebrating those who have died often find it to be one of the most healing parts of their grief journey. Not because it makes the pain go away — but because it keeps the connection alive.

5 Guests. 5 Ways of Still Celebrating Them.

In this special highlights video, I pulled clips from five recent episodes where each guest shared how they continue to honor and celebrate those who have died.

💛 Featured guests:

- Kelly Myerson (Ep. 22)

- Kat Farace (Ep. 23)

- Charlotte Shuber (Ep. 24)

- Cori Myka (Ep. 25)

- April Hannah (Ep. 26)

Each of these guests brought something so real and so personal to their episode. Watching their clips together in one video is a reminder that grief is not one size fits all — and neither is celebrating those we love who have died.

Watch the Video

▶️ https://youtu.be/qEnbe_t6t3M

I hope this video gives you permission — if you needed it — to keep celebrating. To keep marking the days. To keep saying their name.

If any of these guests' stories resonated with you, I'd love for you to watch their full episodes. You can find them all linked below.

🎙️ Full Episodes:

- Kelly Myerson — Episode 22: https://youtu.be/Oj5HF0xuHhU?si=MU5oBHHuILkhZt6

- Kat Farace — Episode 23: https://youtu.be/xRevq_ZcDYo?si=9Pl3DTUQXpJa20Ww

- Charlotte Shuber — Episode 24: https://youtu.be/5OEe88S1Sk4?si=ZhPOnLbf6OJr0BXN

- Cori Myka — Episode 25: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8?si=PuS0JThk4BY43s1m

- April Hannah — Episode 26: https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY?si=gMWPaAyvhobg_VJH

Tell Me — How Do You Celebrate?

How do you celebrate those who have died in your life? Drop it in the comments on the video. This community always shows up for each other, and I know your answer might be exactly what someone else needed to read today.

And if you're not already part of our GRIEF Ladies Facebook community, come join us. It's one of the most real, supportive spaces on the

internet for people navigating grief. 👉 https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Ak735EmTo/

Feeling Stuck in Grief? You Are Not Alone — and Here Is Why It Happens

Recently, Karyn and I were doing a live for our GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community and we were asked this question:

“My husband died five years ago, but I feel stuck and frozen. I understand that grief doesn’t have a timeline, but I can’t seem to make any progress with moving forward. I don’t care about much. I have no motivation or interest in things. I’ve tried therapists and a grief group, but nothing seemed to help.”

If any part of that resonates with you, please know: what you are experiencing is real, it is common, and there are reasons it happens. Here is a summary of how we answered this question.

Why Grief Can Feel Harder as Time Goes On

It might seem counterintuitive, but many people find that grief becomes more difficult — not easier — after the first year or two. Early grief, while devastating, often comes with what we describe as a kind of “novelty.” There is a lot happening: practical decisions to make, people around you, rituals to attend to. You are in motion, even if that motion is painful.

As time passes, the busyness fades. The people around you may have moved on. And suddenly you are left with a quieter, heavier question: “What now? Is this it?” That stillness can strip away motivation and leave you feeling like nothing will ever change.

There is also the issue of comparison. When we look at our current life in grief, we often measure it against the life we had before our loss. That is an incredibly painful comparison to make, and it can quietly fuel a sense of hopelessness.

Your Nervous System May Be Keeping You Stuck

The word “frozen” is significant. It is not just a metaphor — it can be a physiological response. When we experience profound loss, our nervous system responds. For many people, especially those who lost someone who was their primary source of safety and connection, the nervous system can get locked into what is called a dorsal vagal response: collapse, shutdown, and numbness.

This is your body trying to protect you. It is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is an old, hard-wired survival mechanism. Understanding this distinction matters, because the path forward is not about pushing harder or willing yourself to feel better — it is about gently and incrementally helping your nervous system feel safe enough to re-engage with life.

Roadblock Emotions That Keep Us From Moving Forward

Being stuck is often not just about sadness. Beneath the surface, other emotions frequently act as roadblocks:

•        Guilt — for feeling better, for moving forward, for moments of joy

•        Anger — at the loss, at circumstances, at the unfairness of it all

•        Fear — of the future, of forgetting your loved one, of who you are without them

•        Identity loss — “Who am I now?” is one of the most disorienting aspects of grief

One pattern we see frequently, particularly among widows and widowers: a deep-seated fear of feeling better. Many grieving people tell us they feel guilty when they experience happiness, as though moving forward is a betrayal of their loved one. We want to name this clearly — it is not. Moving forward is not leaving your person behind. It is learning to carry them with you.

Not All Therapy and Grief Support Is the Same

If you have tried therapy or a grief group and felt it did not help, please do not take that as evidence that nothing can help you. Consider this: only about 60% of therapists received any education in grief and loss during their training. That means a significant number of well-meaning clinicians simply are not equipped to support grieving clients effectively.

Finding the right therapeutic support is a bit like finding the right bathing suit — the first one you try might not be the right fit, but that does not mean the right one is not out there. We would encourage you to seek out a grief-informed therapist or coach, someone who offers practical tools and not just a space to talk.

The same applies to grief groups. Peer-led groups offer real value, but a group facilitated by a grief-informed professional — one that is action-oriented and gives you tools and frameworks — can be a different experience entirely.

You Grow Around Your Grief — Not Past It

We want to offer one more reframe that we find genuinely helpful: you do not “get over” grief. Your grief does not disappear. What is possible — and what we have seen in our work again and again — is that you grow bigger than your grief. It is still there. But you expand around it.

That expansion happens through small, incremental steps. It happens through connection with others who understand. It happens through the right support, and through learning to move forward with your loved one — not without them.

A Note to Anyone Who Is Stuck Right Now

If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, we want you to hear this: you are not broken. You are not failing at grief. Your nervous system is doing what it was designed to do. Your emotions are real and valid. And the fact that you are still asking questions, still looking for support, still reaching out — that matters.

We wish none of us had to navigate this. But we do know that you do not have to navigate it alone. Join our GRIEF Ladies Community to hear more answers to our group members questions. Join here: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1AdC4voMEG/

Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss

There is a pretty well-accepted theory on grieving that the first year is the hardest. The loss is so new, the first months can be spent in a blur of shock and disbelief.

This can be especially true for a sudden loss, but can surprise people when they are in “shock” even after a loved one has died following a long and drawn out illness.

I’ve said it many times: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can prepare us for the finality of death.

Navigating that first year, through anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can feel endless. But the assumption for most is that as long as they can get through that, it should be smoother sailing in the days ahead.

And then year 2 happens.

The second Mother’s Day without a mom. The second wedding anniversary without a spouse. A second Christmas without a child. And the griever may find themselves thinking, “this isn’t any easier”.

Some people have told me that the second year was actually more of a challenge. Perhaps because of expectation – expecting to feel better and then feeling even more disappointed and sad when they didn’t. Or maybe it’s because the more time passes, the longer we’ve had to live without that person. The longer it’s been since we’ve seen them or heard their voice.

This is a terrifying thought for the newly bereaved, to think that it’s not going to be a steady climb upwards in grieving and healing, and I don’t share this to scare those who are in their very early days.

But expectations are a big part of our mindset, even when we’re not in the stages of grief. How much more do we enjoy the movie or party that we thought was going to be terrible? How disappointed are we when a long planned vacation-of-a-lifetime turns out to be not all what we would have hoped?

If ever there was a time when we need to be setting realistic expectations for ourselves, then certainly our time of grieving is one of them.

Throw away the timelines.

Don’t compare yourself with those whom you know have had a loss. The coworker who was back to work smiling only a few days after her Dad died? She was crying every day on the way to and from work. The family member who thinks that 18 months after your husband died you should be dating again? She has no idea what this loss feels like, what your love felt like, or what is right for you.

Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those who don’t understand. Don’t expect today to be hard and tomorrow to be easy. Honor wherever you are right in this moment and know that even if it feels uncomfortable, unsettling and uneasy, that it’s probably exactly where you need to be.

Stay open to the idea of hope and optimism – but don’t set a timeline for its arrival.

The Guilt of Relief in Grief

When speaking with a person who has recently lost a loved one to a long illness, I often hear them say “I’m just relieved that she’s gone.”

And this statement is almost certainly followed with something like: “It’s just that she was suffering for such a long time. I love my mom, but for those last few years she wasn’t herself. She had no quality of life and I know she would not have wanted to live that way.…”

The fact is that relief is a complicated emotion when coupled with grieving.

Even people who have the ability to express relief out loud can’t do so without explaining how they could feel “relieved” that someone they love has died.

Watching someone we love get diagnosed with a disease, suffer with its symptoms and ultimately die is one of the most traumatic things we can experience.

As we watch a loved one lose every fundamental ability during an especially long illness, we may find ourselves wishing it would end.

And why is this “guilt of relief” such a strange concept? When we struggled at other points in our lives, didn’t we find we could freely express that we wanted the struggle to be over? Wasn’t voicing our relief almost always acceptable?

Understanding the Guilt of Relief

Finding relief on the other side of loss is nothing to feel guilty about, and certainly not something that should require an explanation.

Yet the guilt this conflict leaves is something few people find they are able to shake.

While so few parts of the grieving process could ever be considered simple, in this case a subtle shift in perspective could be what makes the difference.

When speaking to someone who reluctantly admits feeling this “guilt of relief” following the loss of a loved one, I offer one simple idea:

“You are not relieved that your loved one has died. You are relieved that a time in your life marked by stress, uncertainty and suffering is now over.”

Give it a try. See if this change in perspective can make a difference. Don’t make this process any harder than it has to be and let yourself off the hook when you can. You have been through one of the most difficult and challenging experiences a person can endure. If you are able to feel even a small sense of relief, it is not something to hide, but to embrace.

And remember that you aren’t alone in your grief, or in experiencing your guilt of relief. Our forums offer you a place to see and share stories of grieving with people who have gone through losses of their own.

There’s even a section called Life After Caregiving. If you feel like you can’t say the things you feel out loud, start there. Share your experience with those who have been where you’ve been.

Grief Making You Feel “Lazy”? Why It Happens & How To Help

Lazy. Such a strange word in the way that it can be used so differently throughout our lives. A lazy coworker or teenager can be a terrible source of frustration but a lazy Sunday can be one of our greatest joys.

In grief, I find it works a little differently. So often I speak with people who tell me they feel lazy or identify as this new lazy person that they don’t recognize – so new from the go go go that they were used to before.

In this respect these aren’t people enjoying the leisure of a well deserved break, but instead a frustrating new side of themselves that they don’t understand and can’t see a way out of.

So first and foremost, let’s start by changing the language. Because I don’t think lazy in any of the ways we’re used to saying it works for someone who has had a loss. The circumstances are too different, too extreme, and a change of our language and perspective may just be what we need to make the change.

Grief is exhausting. I say this all the time and EVERY griever I speak with quickly agrees, and yet…it’s this same person who doesn’t understand why they feel less motivated, interested, or energized.

I think it’s important that we start by recognizing and validating just HOW MUCH WORK it takes to grieve. Sure, it doesn’t look like much- from the outside it may not look like anything at all. Picture for a moment those cartoons where you can see the cogs and wheels inside a person’s brain, only imagine that the only thing turning around in there is grief.

And it’s not just sadness. It’s the questioning, the second guessing, the anger, regret, remorse, anxiety, worry and uncertainty. It’s the time travel of revisiting the past, unable to shake images of the last days, weeks or months. And the worry and uncertainty of the future. What now? Where do I go from here?

The quiet griever is actually quite busy in that head of theirs and unfortunately not too many of their thoughts can be viewed as anything close to positive.

So how do we help?

Start with the basics.

One of the first things I ask the people I’m working with is, “how have you been sleeping?”. The answers may vary but there’s no denying that whether a griever struggles to fall asleep, or has a hard time staying asleep, losing sleep in grief is a norm for many and it’s having a very big impact on their days.

How can we be expected to function during the day if we’re not sleeping at night? Grief brings with it such a deep sadness and sluggishness, we may not even recognize the role being tired is playing in our inability to heal. The exhaustion blends in so easily with the rest of the experiences of grieving.

So starting with the basics, we want to look at our sleep and make sure we’re getting enough of it. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes practice but a good night’s sleep is well within your grasp. To learn more you can read our previous article on sleep here: HOW TO GET A BETTER NIGHT’S SLEEP WHEN GRIEVING.

“Are you eating right?”. That’s another another question I ask of the people I work with. And by right I mean, are you eating often enough? Is it at least somewhat healthy and not all fast food or food that comes out of a can? While food is really such a big part of our days, at least in earlier parts of our life, the healing nature of it is sadly overlooked and can make a real difference in the energy we need to grieve. Just as athletes fuel up for their physical performance – a griever needs real nourishment if they’re going to have what it takes to get through their own emotional marathon. This too has been addressed in an earlier article and if you’re interested in learning more you can find it here: FOOD AS FUEL FOR SELF CARE AND HEALING.

Next, let’s think about the personality changes that happen after loss. There is nothing more visible than the very huge void a loved one leaves in their passing. So while it’s so easy to see just how much has changed in our routine and in the landscape of our life following loss, we don’t always realize just how much has changed in us.

Take a moment to think, just off the top of your head, 3 personality traits that you have identified with, or labeled yourself as, for most of your adult life.

Organized? Patient? Optimistic? Creative? Productive? Caring? Focused?

Now think about how many of those traits feel within your grasp, right now, in the very depths of grief.

Most will say that the strengths so easily available to them in earlier parts of life seem so out of reach when grieving. And it’s this that also adds to that feeling of “lazy”. Because let’s face it….who cares and what does it matter?

I often hear people use the phrase “matter of life and death” – as in, “call me back when you get a moment- it’s not a matter of life and death”. Translation?

It’s not important.

So many things in life prior to loss seem sooooo important. There are deadlines, plans, and expectations, and the desire to do everything just right.

But after loss? Not so much. It doesn’t seem so important anymore. After loss we realize that geez – basically nothing is a matter of life and death and after the death of someone we love, everything else seems just really really small and insignificant.

So who cares? Why bother?

I’ve had this question in some way or another asked so many times from so many people that I think together we’ve actually come up with some idea of an answer.

If looking at any effort we make as an attempt to change our life in a way so that it no longer reflects things that have happened and can’t be undone (like the loss of someone we love) than we’ll always be right: it won’t make a difference.

Nothing can change the reality of loss, and that takes a really long time to adapt to that information.

So it’s true: getting a good night’s sleep doesn’t make a loved one come back. Eating well doesn’t make a loved one come back. Making a new friend, or engaging in a hobby, or working in the garden or fixing up the house doesn’t make a loved one come back.

So what difference does it make? Well, perhaps if we do a few things differently and slowly find our way to some part of ourselves and our lives that are somewhat familiar and recognizable maybe we can make this new reality just a little more tolerable.

We already know what inaction looks like. What becoming stagnant and stuck, and what feeling “lazy” looks like.

Doing a few things to make life better may possibly do just that – make this life a little better.

You’re NOT lazy. Have compassion for yourself. Give yourself some grace. Be patient with yourself and this process.

All of those things rattling around in your head that are causing so much stress will often seem so unreachable and hard to solve, no matter how many exhausting times we go over it. Why? Because they are unreachable and unfixable. At least today. Today you can’t fix it all.

So take all of this one step at a time and start with the basics.

1. Validate this experience by understanding why grief is so hard and lasts so long.

2. Improve your sleep – and do not expect anything else to improve until that does.

3. Make sure you’re eating well. Nourish yourself. Take care of yourself on this very basic level and remember – it matters, and you matter.

4. Be patient. Take this one day at a time, one hour at a time, and don’t let the overwhelming nature of it overwhelm you, make you stagnant or slow you down.

5. Change your perspective and consider the alternatives. We already know what this (current state of grief) looks like. What would one small change do and could it bring you even one step closer to healing?

No, this isn’t the life you planned for or expected and it’s not the one you wanted or asked for. But don’t give up on trying to make it better. Because it just may work.

Growing Around Grief: Staying Connected While Moving Forward After Loss

Have you ever wondered if it's okay to still feel close to someone who has died? If holding onto their memory somehow means you're not healing — or moving on the "right" way?

You are not alone. And the answer might surprise you.

In this powerful episode (24) of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, licensed clinical social worker Charlotte Shuber flips the script on what grief is supposed to look like — and gives grieving women permission to carry their loved ones with them, not leave them behind.

You Don't Have to Let Go to Move Forward

One of the most damaging myths about grief is that healing means detaching. That at some point, you pack up the memories, put them away, and "get back to normal."

Charlotte's message is the opposite: staying connected to someone who died is not only healthy — it's part of how we grow.

Rather than moving on, she invites us to move forward — with our loved ones woven into who we are becoming.

What You'll Take Away from This Episode

• Why "letting go" is the wrong goal — and what to reach for instead

• How to interact with your emotions and memories in ways that fuel healing, not avoidance

• Charlotte's personal story of loss and how it shaped her clinical approach

• Practical tools for maintaining a connection with a loved one while still fully living your life

• Why grief is not a problem to solve — it's a relationship to tend

The GRIEF Framework: Interacting

This episode falls under the I — Interacting category of the GRIEF Framework, which focuses on how we engage with our inner world: our emotions, our memories, and the ongoing relationship we have with those we've lost.

Charlotte's approach reminds us that grief is not passive. It requires us to show up — to sit with what hurts, to speak the names of those we love, and to let that love continue to shape us.

About Charlotte Shuber

Charlotte Shuber is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in grief and loss. She works with children, teens, and adults, combining professional expertise with her own lived experience of loss. Charlotte is passionate about creating a compassionate space where people can explore grief openly, adapt to life changes, and discover meaningful ways to stay connected—with loved ones who have died, with others, and with themselves.

Connect with Charlotte:  https://www.creatingspacetherapy.com/charlotte-shuber-lcsw

Ready to Listen?

🎙️ Tune in to this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts or on YouTube— and share it with someone who needs to hear that staying connected is not a weakness. It's wisdom.

Because you don't have to choose between honoring them and living fully. You were never meant to.

The GRIEF Ladies Podcast is dedicated to supporting grieving individuals through loss with real conversations, expert guidance, and community.

Self-Esteem & Grief: The Hidden Loss

Self-esteem. Insecurity. Doubt. Just the mention of these words can make us think of a very specific time in our life. Perhaps the teenage years or young adulthood – when how you feel about yourself and your place in the world can be so uncertain. But as time goes on and you settle into your adult life, self-esteem may not seem so important, and it’s not something you may have paid much attention to. In other words, if it’s not great, it’s at least good enough. 

It’s also not something you hear spoken about in grief. And yet significant loss can completely drain and deplete any self-esteem you may have, making it feel impossible to move forward in a healthy or purposeful way. 

So why does confidence take such a hit after loss, and how do we begin to improve this invisible symptom of grief? 

Before we talk about why it’s so common to lose self-esteem in grief, perhaps it’s a good idea to explore why it’s important, and how it serves us in life. 

Most of us think of self-esteem as just a set of (hopefully) good feelings that we have about ourselves. It can be confidence in a skill, talent, career, or perhaps the role we play in the lives of the people around us. We know that self-esteem should probably come from within. But it’s most likely to be raised by compliments from others, or lowered if we think someone doubts our character or abilities. It could be tempting to write off self-esteem as no more than shallow window-dressing, but the truth is it serves a much greater purpose than that. 

Self-esteem is a motivator

Whether we are aware of it or not, we are quite regularly monitoring our own self-worth. Whatever conclusion we come to is going to determine the actions and steps we take. Before we embark on a task we’re deciding, can I do it? Will I succeed? Will it turn out okay? The less confident we feel, the less motivated we become. 

So where does self-esteem come in and how does grief take it away?  

Signs & Symptoms of Grief

For starters, let’s talk about the symptoms of grief. Loss of focus. Feeling exhausted. Feeling scattered. There’s so many changes that can happen after we’ve had a loss. When we add them all up we can be left thinking, “what happened to me? I used to have it so together”. While I talk about the individual signs and symptoms of grief quite a bit, it is the accumulation of these changes that leads to such a deep and significant dip in self-esteem. After all, we’re talking about a loss of almost every good adjective we would have used to describe ourselves in the past. Organized, motivated, optimistic. Our resume of emotional health may not seem to have a lot to offer anymore and a sudden dip in confidence can be attributed directly to it. 

Who We Lost

This one may be easier to see. First, let’s think about the loss of our parents. The people who loved us unconditionally. Or the spouse or partner who had a way of making everything feel okay. Who loved us physically, intellectually, and provided a safe and intimate sense of security. Who am I without these people to tell me I’m good? Or beautiful? Or smart? Did I ever really believe it in the first place or did I just like the way I looked when reflected in their eyes? The level of confidence our loved ones may provide us isn’t something we necessarily recognize as acutely when they’re here. But there’s no doubt it’s something that we can feel the sharp and painful absence of when they’re not. 

Feeling worthy

Most of our routine gets thrown off balance in the wake of loss, but the simple act of eating brings with it unseen complications. In loss a lot of grievers find they struggle to eat anything of substance. After all, they’ll say, “It’s just me”. Recently a widow I spoke with put it a little differently. “I just feel that I’m not really worth it”. I can’t tell you how much this statement surprised me. In the most matter-of-fact way, she simply stated that she just didn’t see the point. Cooking and eating well was worth it when her husband was alive. But now that it was “just” her, eating wasn’t a priority. She didn’t feel that she, or the actions it would take to nourish herself, were worth it.

Making decisions

EVERYTHING feels like a decision after loss, and often we’ve lost the person who helped us make them. Add to that the fact that we are feeling forgetful and scattered in grief. Can I really trust myself to be making the right decision? And what if I’ve made a mistake already like forgetting to pay a bill, or missing an important appointment? Suddenly we don’t trust ourselves the way we used to, and that can create a cycle of fear, indecision, and uncertainty that sends our confidence spiraling even further.

So how do we break the cycle of low self-esteem and insecurity in grief?

First (and this is my answer for a lot of things if I’m being honest) – by recognizing it. Recognize that on the very long list of things that have been lessened, depleted or stolen in grief, self-esteem needs to be added. And not only does it need to be recognized for the hit it’s taken, we need to realize that it’s worth bringing back. As I mentioned before, I am often educating people on the signs & symptoms of acute grief as I strongly believe it’s the validation that helps. To know that you’re not crazy. That you’re not alone. Your thoughts, feelings, and responses to this grief are “normal”, common, and to be expected.

Expectations count for a lot.

When expectations are too high, we get impatient, frustrated, and restless. When they’re too low, we feel hopeless, helpless and useless. It’s a terrible cycle to find yourself in and it will only cause self-esteem to be negatively impacted further.  

Understanding and validating the experience of grief allows us to manage our expectations better. While the losses we face are permanent, the changes we see in ourselves don’t have to be. 

Take a step back and re-enter this grief, ready to define the way you see yourself in a whole new way. 

Feeling lazy?

Grief is exhausting. There is so much mental energy used to process loss and a griever can become immobilized by it. We can accomplish so much less than we’re used to, and still feel more tired than ever. Quite simply, you’re not lazy: you’re grieving.

Feeling forgetful?

Our memory has one very important requirement in order for it to work well: focus. If we want to remember something, we have to be able to focus and concentrate on it in the first place. Grief, and especially “new” grief takes all of our focus. As one griever once said to me, “focus isn’t my problem. The problem is I can ONLY focus on the person I lost”. That’s going to make it hard to be paying attention to (and therefore committing to memory) anything else.

Feeling like you’ve slipped in another important role in your life?

Let’s say you’ve lost your spouse, and no longer feel that you’re able to be the parent you want to be. Or someone who has lost a parent, who is struggling to be upbeat, or engaged with your spouse or kids. Or anyone who has a job or family or friends who has had a loss and feels they have nothing left to give to the work, life, and people who are still here. I really could go on and on. There’s just too many changes and we’re just too hard on ourselves to realize that we are expecting to be everything to everyone… even when everything has changed. 

In the end, it’s not about excuses, it’s about forgiveness and altering our expectations of how we should be feeling, or how soon we should be getting better.  

Raising self-esteem in grief can be as “simple” as being able to validate that GRIEF IS HARD.

We’ve never done this before, there’s no manual to get through it, and every day we’re trying to do just that: get through it. I often say that in grief, we are operating in crisis mode. And the rules are very different in crisis. For example – if someone is ever critically injured and brought to the emergency room, the nurses and doctors may use scissors to cut through their clothing to try and save them. No one cares about a piece of clothing in the middle of crisis. Getting this person better is the only thing that matters in that moment. But if we go to the doctor for our regular check up, we would be stunned and outraged if they pulled out a pair of scissors to cut through our shirt! 

Our expectations for “normal” life are very different then they are in times of high stress and trauma. And I think every griever can agree that nothing feels normal after loss. Our expectations need to change to reflect that.

The rules of crisis are very different.

Allowing yourself to understand that should also help you know that the expectations should be different too. What we have to do to get through, get by and survive, especially in early grief – should not be an indication of who we are right now and it certainly doesn’t have to define us in the long term.

Be gentle to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate the small victories (like mowing the lawn for the first time or cooking a meal) by realizing that they’re not small at all. Congratulate yourself for every single thing you accomplish in grief, and forgive the times when you feel you’re not accomplishing enough. 

The hope is to eventually string enough victories and good feelings together to restore and rebuild your spirit. And hopefully along with it…your self-esteem.

Perfectionists, People Pleasers & Grief

Perfectionists. People Pleasers.

Some will immediately relate to these labels, and some maybe not so much. Yet most people I work with exhibit at least some of these traits, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. For the perfectionists, it may come as an almost badge of honor. A commitment they’ve made to themselves to do everything the best they can, without fail, in every single category of their life. The people pleasers may not be as satisfied with that title. But they also understand it as a necessary skill to function in their lives, and as a way to get along with the people around them. 

But what happens when life falls apart? Expectations for ourselves often remain the same, but how can they when EVERY SINGLE THING in life has changed? Do these old habits and old roles still work?

Let’s start by understanding what it really means to be a perfectionist or a people pleaser. While I work with (and know personally) plenty of people who possess both tendencies, there’s nothing saying that one has to go with the other. In order to understand where you may fit, it’s important to explore each on their own first.

There are a lot of perfectionists in this world.

It can show up in the way a person interacts with others, or how they keep themselves or their home. As a result, a standard and expectation becomes set and it can be very hard to do anything without having to do it really well, all the time.

People pleasers are a little different.

This behavior often comes from childhood, and is a learned response to safety and inclusivity with the world and people around us. People pleasers put others’ needs ahead of their own and for the most part, they’re doing this to the extreme.

So why does it matter in grief?

First: it’s not sustainable. The old habits and old ways of doing things only work when everything else in life is going okay. Next, competing with your “old self” will only create a greater contrast of who you are now, compared to who you used to be. This can add to the intense pressure, unfamiliarity, and uncertainty that a griever is feeling on a daily basis.

The problem with perfectionists and grief.

If you have always tried to do everything “right”, you may already be used to some of the pressure and stress that comes with it. But now you’ve had a significant loss, and you’re likely experiencing a level of stress that you never have before. You can barely think straight. How can you be expected to do the “right thing” when NOTHING feels right anymore?

In grief, being a perfectionist can actually equate to something that most would feel is far from perfect = procrastination. Decision making is a huge task in grief and if the old habits of perfectionism continue, a griever may find themselves making no decisions at all. The fear of doing the “wrong” thing may leave you feeling stuck, even hopeless.

Diminished self-esteem is also a huge concern for any griever, and if you feel that you are constantly falling short, your image and self worth will only sink lower.

The reason why people-pleasing tendencies can’t continue.

Unlike the perfectionists who are trying to make things just right in their own lives, people pleasers are trying to do it for everyone else instead. Here’s the problem when it comes to life after loss – a griever doesn’t even know what they need or how to make themselves feel any peace. So how can they be expected to anticipate the needs of anyone else?

It doesn’t help that some of the biggest challenges in grief come from those around you. Whether it’s in the form of real or perceived expectations, most people feel very disconnected from their loved ones following loss. Managing the emotions and needs of others takes the kind of higher-order thinking that a person in grief just doesn’t have access to. And for most it’s not a case of not wanting to be a help or support to others. They just may feel that they no longer can.

How to stop being a perfectionist or people pleaser today.

I often make comparisons to physical health when describing grief. When it comes to our physical health, we are much more understanding of what we can and can’t do. If you have a broken arm, you would never expect to be able to help a friend move their couch. And your friend wouldn’t ask you to.

But what about the brokenness that comes with grief? Can we take a more honest look at what we actually can and can’t do emotionally? And can we start reframing our interactions with ourselves and others accordingly?

This is where change begins.

First, in observation. Watch yourself and your thoughts. What are your expectations for yourself? Consider what old instincts are kicking in and how often you are telling yourself that you “should” be doing something. And then consider the reality of whether you really can (or want to).

Next, in practice. You’ve got to start somewhere. If you’re a perfectionist and worried about how clean the house is (or isn’t), consider changing your standards. For now. Maybe at some point you’ll decide to go back to having the cleanest house on the block. But for now that just may not be something you have the energy for. Grief is exhausting. Use your energy wisely.

What about my friends and family?

How will they react if I’m no longer a perfectionist or people pleaser? We all know what we expect from ourselves, but we can’t deny that the people in our lives are probably expecting a lot too. Especially with the passage of time. It’s all well and good for me to give you permission to put a greater focus on yourself and your needs, but will the people around you allow for the same grace? Especially with each day that passes since your loss?

Start by giving yourself permission and know that in a lot of ways, that will be the hardest part. Validate every single reason why you can’t or don’t want to hold yourself to the same expectations as before. And give yourself permission to only do or commit to what you can.

The people around you may need time to adapt, and that’s okay. Communicate. Don’t apologize. If they’re asking, let them know what this process is like for you. And why you need to make some changes in order to survive.

In the end, this grief is your business.

No one else gets to decide what you need in grief. It’s important to remind yourself (regularly!) that you’re doing the best you can. And when you’re feeling like that best isn’t so great, know that how you feel now isn’t how you’ll always feel. Grief is always changing and your needs, wants, limitations, and abilities will all change with it.

For all the perfectionists and people pleasers in this world, I leave you with this. If you’re going to please anyone right now, try pleasing yourself first. Find peace and comfort in little moments whenever you can. And remember that these tendencies were never good for you to begin with. There’s some real growth that can come out of the brokenness of loss. Start today by resetting the expectations you have for yourself, and find growth and perhaps a new strength, in the healing that follows.

Want to read more of Karyn’s blogs visit Grief in Common

When the Person Who Helped You Feel Safe Dies

Grief is often described as heartbreak, sadness, or longing. But for many grieving individuals, one of the most confusing and distressing experiences is feeling emotionally unsafe after a loss.

People often say things like:

“I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”
“Everything feels harder than it used to.”
“I don’t know how to calm myself down.”
“I feel anxious or numb all the time.”

These reactions are deeply rooted in attachment and the loss of co-regulation. And within the GRIEF Ladies Framework: Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding, this kind of loss often shakes the very first trail marker: Grounding.

Attachment and Emotional Safety

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded through decades of research, helps explain why certain losses feel especially destabilizing. Humans are biologically wired to seek safety through connection. From early childhood through adulthood, attachment relationships help us feel secure, regulated, and supported during times of stress.

Attachment figures, including parents, spouses, close friends, and even our children, are often the people we turn to when we are overwhelmed, worried, or distressed. They help us:

• Calm our nervous system

• Organize our emotions

• Think through our decisions

• Feel grounded

• Help us feel safe

Over time, these relationships become part of how emotional regulation happens.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation refers to the process by which our nervous systems are soothed, stabilized, and organized through connection with others.

A partner’s reassuring voice at the end of a stressful day.
A parent’s steady presence letting you know things will be okay.
A loved one helping you think clearly during a crisis.

These are examples of co-regulation in action. Often, we are not consciously aware of how much co-regulation a relationship provides until it is gone.

When someone who served as a primary source of emotional regulation dies, grief includes more than missing the person. It includes the loss of emotional safety and nervous system stability.

And that is why grief can feel so physically and emotionally disorienting.

When a co-regulator dies, many grieving individuals experience:

• Increased anxiety or panic

• Overwhelmed with emotions

• Numbness or shutdown

• Difficulty making decisions

• Exhaustion, even after a full night of sleep

• A sense of being “lost”

These reactions are not signs of weakness or pathology. They are common nervous system responses to the loss of a co-regulator. The body is adjusting to the absence of someone who helped it feel safe.

Within the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this often impacts more than just Grounding:

• Rebuilding feels harder because routines were shared.

• Interacting changes because the person you turned to is no longer physically present.

• Evolving can bring roadblock emotions like anger, guilt, or fear.

• Finding meaning may feel impossible in the early stages.

When someone functioned as your “safe base” or emotional anchor, their death disrupts not only daily life, but also your internal compass.

Staying Connected Without Staying Stuck

For many years, grief was framed as a process of “letting go.” We now know that this is not current. Research supports that maintaining a connection with the person who died can be healthy and adaptive.

In the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this connects closely with Finding.

Many grieving individuals continue to experience support through:

• Talking about their loved one and asking, “What would they say to me in this situation?”

• Carrying forward their loved one’s values

• Rituals that honor the person’s life, such as lighting a candle on hard days

• Moments of felt connection during stress

• Staying connected to pets or safe people who offer comfort

Staying connected does not mean avoiding grief or refusing to move forward. For many, it is precisely what helps regulate the nervous system and create meaning after loss.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety After Loss

Healing after the death of an attachment figure is not about replacing the person who died. It is about rebuilding emotional safety in new ways. Within the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this often looks like walking through each trail marker intentionally:

Grounding

Learning nervous system regulation skills, including practicing breathing exercises, building body awareness, and making sure you are getting enough sleep.

Rebuilding

Energy mapping: identifying what drains you, what restores you, and how to pace yourself in grief and re-establishing small, predictable routines.

Interacting

Expanding safe sources of connection. Allowing others to support you, even if it feels different than before.

Evolving

Practicing self-compassion during emotional waves. Understanding that anger, guilt, fear, or jealousy are often protective emotions.

Finding

Engaging in ways to stay connected to your loved one and exploring how the relationship continues internally, even as life changes externally.

Over time, many grieving individuals learn to offer themselves some of the reassurance and compassion they once received from others while still honoring the ongoing bond with their loved one.

If grief has made you feel emotionally unsafe, anxious, or disconnected, it may not be because you are grieving incorrectly. It may be because your nervous system lost one of its primary sources of safety.

Grief is not only about losing someone you love. It is also about learning how to live and feel safe without the person who helped regulate your emotional world.

GRIEF & YOUR ENERGY

Why grief feels exhausting… and what helps

Have you noticed grief makes everyday tasks feel harder?

You may feel:
• Mentally drained
• Emotionally overwhelmed
• Socially exhausted
• Physically tired

You are not imagining this.

Grief requires a huge amount of nervous system energy.

Many grieving people worry:
“I should be able to handle more.”

But grief is heavy.

Imagine carrying an invisible backpack filled with memories, emotions, and change… all day long.

Of course you get tired.

This is where ENERGY MAPPING can help.

Energy mapping helps you notice:

✔ What drains your energy
✔ What restores your energy
✔ What feels meaningful but still exhausting
✔ How to pace yourself in grief

Some experiences have TWO types of energy cost:

Physical Energy: How much effort your body uses

Emotional Energy: How much grief or stress it activates

Both matter.

Examples:

Talking about your loved one
💛 Meaningful
⚡ Emotionally draining

Family gatherings
💛 Important
⚡ Physically and emotionally tiring

Resting afterward is not weakness.
It is support.

Try this simple reflection:

👉 After I do __________
👉 My body usually feels __________

Awareness helps you plan care instead of pushing through exhaustion.

One helpful strategy is called Recovery Pairing.

This means: Pair draining experiences with supportive ones.

Examples:
Grief ritual → quiet walk
Social event → alone time
Therapy session → calming music or journaling

Grief changes capacity.

Energy mapping helps you work WITH your capacity instead of fighting it.

Pacing grief is how many people survive it.

💬 Reflection Question:
What is one activity that drains your energy right now… and one that helps restore it?