Feeling Stuck in Grief? You Are Not Alone — and Here Is Why It Happens

Recently, Karyn and I were doing a live for our GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community and we were asked this question:

“My husband died five years ago, but I feel stuck and frozen. I understand that grief doesn’t have a timeline, but I can’t seem to make any progress with moving forward. I don’t care about much. I have no motivation or interest in things. I’ve tried therapists and a grief group, but nothing seemed to help.”

If any part of that resonates with you, please know: what you are experiencing is real, it is common, and there are reasons it happens. Here is a summary of how we answered this question.

Why Grief Can Feel Harder as Time Goes On

It might seem counterintuitive, but many people find that grief becomes more difficult — not easier — after the first year or two. Early grief, while devastating, often comes with what we describe as a kind of “novelty.” There is a lot happening: practical decisions to make, people around you, rituals to attend to. You are in motion, even if that motion is painful.

As time passes, the busyness fades. The people around you may have moved on. And suddenly you are left with a quieter, heavier question: “What now? Is this it?” That stillness can strip away motivation and leave you feeling like nothing will ever change.

There is also the issue of comparison. When we look at our current life in grief, we often measure it against the life we had before our loss. That is an incredibly painful comparison to make, and it can quietly fuel a sense of hopelessness.

Your Nervous System May Be Keeping You Stuck

The word “frozen” is significant. It is not just a metaphor — it can be a physiological response. When we experience profound loss, our nervous system responds. For many people, especially those who lost someone who was their primary source of safety and connection, the nervous system can get locked into what is called a dorsal vagal response: collapse, shutdown, and numbness.

This is your body trying to protect you. It is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is an old, hard-wired survival mechanism. Understanding this distinction matters, because the path forward is not about pushing harder or willing yourself to feel better — it is about gently and incrementally helping your nervous system feel safe enough to re-engage with life.

Roadblock Emotions That Keep Us From Moving Forward

Being stuck is often not just about sadness. Beneath the surface, other emotions frequently act as roadblocks:

•        Guilt — for feeling better, for moving forward, for moments of joy

•        Anger — at the loss, at circumstances, at the unfairness of it all

•        Fear — of the future, of forgetting your loved one, of who you are without them

•        Identity loss — “Who am I now?” is one of the most disorienting aspects of grief

One pattern we see frequently, particularly among widows and widowers: a deep-seated fear of feeling better. Many grieving people tell us they feel guilty when they experience happiness, as though moving forward is a betrayal of their loved one. We want to name this clearly — it is not. Moving forward is not leaving your person behind. It is learning to carry them with you.

Not All Therapy and Grief Support Is the Same

If you have tried therapy or a grief group and felt it did not help, please do not take that as evidence that nothing can help you. Consider this: only about 60% of therapists received any education in grief and loss during their training. That means a significant number of well-meaning clinicians simply are not equipped to support grieving clients effectively.

Finding the right therapeutic support is a bit like finding the right bathing suit — the first one you try might not be the right fit, but that does not mean the right one is not out there. We would encourage you to seek out a grief-informed therapist or coach, someone who offers practical tools and not just a space to talk.

The same applies to grief groups. Peer-led groups offer real value, but a group facilitated by a grief-informed professional — one that is action-oriented and gives you tools and frameworks — can be a different experience entirely.

You Grow Around Your Grief — Not Past It

We want to offer one more reframe that we find genuinely helpful: you do not “get over” grief. Your grief does not disappear. What is possible — and what we have seen in our work again and again — is that you grow bigger than your grief. It is still there. But you expand around it.

That expansion happens through small, incremental steps. It happens through connection with others who understand. It happens through the right support, and through learning to move forward with your loved one — not without them.

A Note to Anyone Who Is Stuck Right Now

If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, we want you to hear this: you are not broken. You are not failing at grief. Your nervous system is doing what it was designed to do. Your emotions are real and valid. And the fact that you are still asking questions, still looking for support, still reaching out — that matters.

We wish none of us had to navigate this. But we do know that you do not have to navigate it alone. Join our GRIEF Ladies Community to hear more answers to our group members questions. Join here: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1AdC4voMEG/

Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss

There is a pretty well-accepted theory on grieving that the first year is the hardest. The loss is so new, the first months can be spent in a blur of shock and disbelief.

This can be especially true for a sudden loss, but can surprise people when they are in “shock” even after a loved one has died following a long and drawn out illness.

I’ve said it many times: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can prepare us for the finality of death.

Navigating that first year, through anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can feel endless. But the assumption for most is that as long as they can get through that, it should be smoother sailing in the days ahead.

And then year 2 happens.

The second Mother’s Day without a mom. The second wedding anniversary without a spouse. A second Christmas without a child. And the griever may find themselves thinking, “this isn’t any easier”.

Some people have told me that the second year was actually more of a challenge. Perhaps because of expectation – expecting to feel better and then feeling even more disappointed and sad when they didn’t. Or maybe it’s because the more time passes, the longer we’ve had to live without that person. The longer it’s been since we’ve seen them or heard their voice.

This is a terrifying thought for the newly bereaved, to think that it’s not going to be a steady climb upwards in grieving and healing, and I don’t share this to scare those who are in their very early days.

But expectations are a big part of our mindset, even when we’re not in the stages of grief. How much more do we enjoy the movie or party that we thought was going to be terrible? How disappointed are we when a long planned vacation-of-a-lifetime turns out to be not all what we would have hoped?

If ever there was a time when we need to be setting realistic expectations for ourselves, then certainly our time of grieving is one of them.

Throw away the timelines.

Don’t compare yourself with those whom you know have had a loss. The coworker who was back to work smiling only a few days after her Dad died? She was crying every day on the way to and from work. The family member who thinks that 18 months after your husband died you should be dating again? She has no idea what this loss feels like, what your love felt like, or what is right for you.

Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those who don’t understand. Don’t expect today to be hard and tomorrow to be easy. Honor wherever you are right in this moment and know that even if it feels uncomfortable, unsettling and uneasy, that it’s probably exactly where you need to be.

Stay open to the idea of hope and optimism – but don’t set a timeline for its arrival.

Self-Esteem & Grief: The Hidden Loss

Self-esteem. Insecurity. Doubt. Just the mention of these words can make us think of a very specific time in our life. Perhaps the teenage years or young adulthood – when how you feel about yourself and your place in the world can be so uncertain. But as time goes on and you settle into your adult life, self-esteem may not seem so important, and it’s not something you may have paid much attention to. In other words, if it’s not great, it’s at least good enough. 

It’s also not something you hear spoken about in grief. And yet significant loss can completely drain and deplete any self-esteem you may have, making it feel impossible to move forward in a healthy or purposeful way. 

So why does confidence take such a hit after loss, and how do we begin to improve this invisible symptom of grief? 

Before we talk about why it’s so common to lose self-esteem in grief, perhaps it’s a good idea to explore why it’s important, and how it serves us in life. 

Most of us think of self-esteem as just a set of (hopefully) good feelings that we have about ourselves. It can be confidence in a skill, talent, career, or perhaps the role we play in the lives of the people around us. We know that self-esteem should probably come from within. But it’s most likely to be raised by compliments from others, or lowered if we think someone doubts our character or abilities. It could be tempting to write off self-esteem as no more than shallow window-dressing, but the truth is it serves a much greater purpose than that. 

Self-esteem is a motivator

Whether we are aware of it or not, we are quite regularly monitoring our own self-worth. Whatever conclusion we come to is going to determine the actions and steps we take. Before we embark on a task we’re deciding, can I do it? Will I succeed? Will it turn out okay? The less confident we feel, the less motivated we become. 

So where does self-esteem come in and how does grief take it away?  

Signs & Symptoms of Grief

For starters, let’s talk about the symptoms of grief. Loss of focus. Feeling exhausted. Feeling scattered. There’s so many changes that can happen after we’ve had a loss. When we add them all up we can be left thinking, “what happened to me? I used to have it so together”. While I talk about the individual signs and symptoms of grief quite a bit, it is the accumulation of these changes that leads to such a deep and significant dip in self-esteem. After all, we’re talking about a loss of almost every good adjective we would have used to describe ourselves in the past. Organized, motivated, optimistic. Our resume of emotional health may not seem to have a lot to offer anymore and a sudden dip in confidence can be attributed directly to it. 

Who We Lost

This one may be easier to see. First, let’s think about the loss of our parents. The people who loved us unconditionally. Or the spouse or partner who had a way of making everything feel okay. Who loved us physically, intellectually, and provided a safe and intimate sense of security. Who am I without these people to tell me I’m good? Or beautiful? Or smart? Did I ever really believe it in the first place or did I just like the way I looked when reflected in their eyes? The level of confidence our loved ones may provide us isn’t something we necessarily recognize as acutely when they’re here. But there’s no doubt it’s something that we can feel the sharp and painful absence of when they’re not. 

Feeling worthy

Most of our routine gets thrown off balance in the wake of loss, but the simple act of eating brings with it unseen complications. In loss a lot of grievers find they struggle to eat anything of substance. After all, they’ll say, “It’s just me”. Recently a widow I spoke with put it a little differently. “I just feel that I’m not really worth it”. I can’t tell you how much this statement surprised me. In the most matter-of-fact way, she simply stated that she just didn’t see the point. Cooking and eating well was worth it when her husband was alive. But now that it was “just” her, eating wasn’t a priority. She didn’t feel that she, or the actions it would take to nourish herself, were worth it.

Making decisions

EVERYTHING feels like a decision after loss, and often we’ve lost the person who helped us make them. Add to that the fact that we are feeling forgetful and scattered in grief. Can I really trust myself to be making the right decision? And what if I’ve made a mistake already like forgetting to pay a bill, or missing an important appointment? Suddenly we don’t trust ourselves the way we used to, and that can create a cycle of fear, indecision, and uncertainty that sends our confidence spiraling even further.

So how do we break the cycle of low self-esteem and insecurity in grief?

First (and this is my answer for a lot of things if I’m being honest) – by recognizing it. Recognize that on the very long list of things that have been lessened, depleted or stolen in grief, self-esteem needs to be added. And not only does it need to be recognized for the hit it’s taken, we need to realize that it’s worth bringing back. As I mentioned before, I am often educating people on the signs & symptoms of acute grief as I strongly believe it’s the validation that helps. To know that you’re not crazy. That you’re not alone. Your thoughts, feelings, and responses to this grief are “normal”, common, and to be expected.

Expectations count for a lot.

When expectations are too high, we get impatient, frustrated, and restless. When they’re too low, we feel hopeless, helpless and useless. It’s a terrible cycle to find yourself in and it will only cause self-esteem to be negatively impacted further.  

Understanding and validating the experience of grief allows us to manage our expectations better. While the losses we face are permanent, the changes we see in ourselves don’t have to be. 

Take a step back and re-enter this grief, ready to define the way you see yourself in a whole new way. 

Feeling lazy?

Grief is exhausting. There is so much mental energy used to process loss and a griever can become immobilized by it. We can accomplish so much less than we’re used to, and still feel more tired than ever. Quite simply, you’re not lazy: you’re grieving.

Feeling forgetful?

Our memory has one very important requirement in order for it to work well: focus. If we want to remember something, we have to be able to focus and concentrate on it in the first place. Grief, and especially “new” grief takes all of our focus. As one griever once said to me, “focus isn’t my problem. The problem is I can ONLY focus on the person I lost”. That’s going to make it hard to be paying attention to (and therefore committing to memory) anything else.

Feeling like you’ve slipped in another important role in your life?

Let’s say you’ve lost your spouse, and no longer feel that you’re able to be the parent you want to be. Or someone who has lost a parent, who is struggling to be upbeat, or engaged with your spouse or kids. Or anyone who has a job or family or friends who has had a loss and feels they have nothing left to give to the work, life, and people who are still here. I really could go on and on. There’s just too many changes and we’re just too hard on ourselves to realize that we are expecting to be everything to everyone… even when everything has changed. 

In the end, it’s not about excuses, it’s about forgiveness and altering our expectations of how we should be feeling, or how soon we should be getting better.  

Raising self-esteem in grief can be as “simple” as being able to validate that GRIEF IS HARD.

We’ve never done this before, there’s no manual to get through it, and every day we’re trying to do just that: get through it. I often say that in grief, we are operating in crisis mode. And the rules are very different in crisis. For example – if someone is ever critically injured and brought to the emergency room, the nurses and doctors may use scissors to cut through their clothing to try and save them. No one cares about a piece of clothing in the middle of crisis. Getting this person better is the only thing that matters in that moment. But if we go to the doctor for our regular check up, we would be stunned and outraged if they pulled out a pair of scissors to cut through our shirt! 

Our expectations for “normal” life are very different then they are in times of high stress and trauma. And I think every griever can agree that nothing feels normal after loss. Our expectations need to change to reflect that.

The rules of crisis are very different.

Allowing yourself to understand that should also help you know that the expectations should be different too. What we have to do to get through, get by and survive, especially in early grief – should not be an indication of who we are right now and it certainly doesn’t have to define us in the long term.

Be gentle to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate the small victories (like mowing the lawn for the first time or cooking a meal) by realizing that they’re not small at all. Congratulate yourself for every single thing you accomplish in grief, and forgive the times when you feel you’re not accomplishing enough. 

The hope is to eventually string enough victories and good feelings together to restore and rebuild your spirit. And hopefully along with it…your self-esteem.

Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

If you’re wondering how to rebuild your life after someone dies, you’re not alone. Loss can shatter routines, disrupt your sense of identity, and make everyday tasks feel overwhelming.

In this episode (23) of The GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty are joined by grief counselor and hospice expert Kat Farace to explore what “rebuilding” really means after loss. We talk about why routine matters in grief, how small daily structure can support your nervous system, and why rebuilding isn’t about “moving on” — it’s about learning how to live forward while carrying love with you.

In this conversation, you’ll learn:

• Why grief disrupts your daily rhythms

• How to gently reintroduce routine without pressure

• The role of self-care in early and ongoing grief

• Why community support matters when everything feels unstable

• Practical coping tools to help you feel more steady

This episode connects to the Rebuilding trail marker in our G.R.I.E.F. Framework — focusing on structure, routine, and small steps that create stability in the midst of emotional upheaval.

If you’ve been feeling unmoored, exhausted, or unsure how to function after loss, this episode offers validation, realistic strategies, and encouragement for wherever you are in your grief journey.

Guest Bio:

Kat Farace is an author, speaker, and grief coach with over 25 years of experience in hospiceand end-of-life care, walking alongside individuals and families through life’s most profound moments of loss, love, and transition. Her work is grounded in compassion, honesty, and the deep belief that grief—while never chosen—can become one of our greatest teachers.

Through decades of hospice service, Kat has supported thousands of people as they navigated death, dying, and bereavement, gaining rare insight into the emotional, spiritual, and relational realities of grief. Her approach blends professional expertise with heartfelt presence, offering guidance that is both practical and deeply human.

Kat is the author of the upcoming book Grief the Teacher: The Teacher We Never
Wanted—With the Lessons Only Love and Loss Can Teach, to be released in Spring 2026. In
it, she explores grief not as something to “get over,” but as an experience that reshapes us,
challenges us, and ultimately invites growth, meaning, and connection.

Kat creates space for real conversations about loss—conversations that honor pain while also making room for hope, resilience, and love. Whether speaking to the newly grieving or those carrying loss for a lifetime, she brings a steady, compassionate presence that reminds listeners they are not alone.

Kat Farace’s work continues to reach audiences through coaching, speaking engagements, and storytelling that normalizes grief, dismantles shame, and gently illuminates the path
forward—one honest conversation at a time.

Connect with Kat: 

Website: https://www.balanceingrief.com 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/balanceingrief/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/balanceingriefcom

🎙 Listen to Episode 23: Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

Available now on YouTube and all podcast platforms.

Why You Can’t Sleep After Someone Dies

If sleep has felt impossible since someone died, you’re not imagining it.

Many grieving people struggle with sleep issues, either falling asleep, staying asleep, or both, even if they’ve never had sleep problems before. You might feel exhausted all day, only to lie awake at night. Your mind replays conversations. The house feels too quiet. The bed feels different. Nights stretch longer than they used to.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

In Episode 22 of The GRIEF Ladies Podcast, we talk openly about why sleep becomes so disrupted after loss and what you can actually do about it.

Why Does Grief Make Sleep So Hard?

After someone dies, everything shifts: your routines, your sense of safety, even your daily rhythms. Nighttime can amplify the absence. There are fewer distractions. More silence. More space for thoughts to wander.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why grief impacts sleep

• Why nights tend to feel more intense

• The difference between temporary sleep disruption and longer-term insomnia

• What’s normal (and what’s common) after a loss

Practical Tools You Can Try Tonight

This isn’t just a conversation about why sleep is hard; it’s about what might help.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Gentle wind-down strategies that don’t feel overwhelming

• Simple shifts that make your sleep space feel more supportive

• Small rituals that can ease nighttime intensity

• Practical ideas you can experiment with right away

No unrealistic advice. No pressure to “fix” your grief. Just real conversation and doable steps.

Grounding When Everything Feels Disrupted

This episode connects to the Grounding trail marker in our GRIEF Framework — focusing on small, steady practices that help you feel more stable when everything feels off balance.

If your days feel foggy and your nights feel long, this conversation is for you.

🎙 Listen to Episode 22: Why You Can’t Sleep After Someone Dies (Grief & Insomnia Explained)
Available now on YouTube and all podcast platforms.

If sleep has been one of the hardest parts of your grief, we hope this episode feels like someone sitting beside you in the dark offering understanding and something practical to try.

Loneliness and Grief

Why Do I Feel So Alone? Why Does No One Understand Me?

We hear this all the time:
“I can be in a room surrounded by friends and family and still feel completely alone.”

After someone dies, many people begin to question:

• Does anyone actually understand what I’m going through?

• Do people even recognize me anymore?

• Why do I feel so different from everyone else?

• Why does it feel like the world moved on, and I didn’t?

This kind of loneliness is one of the most painful parts of grief.

Loss changes you. It changes how you see the world. It can shift your priorities, your tolerance for small talk, your patience, your energy. You may find that conversations feel surface-level. You may not have the capacity to pretend you’re okay. You may feel like people expect you to “be back to normal.” That disconnect can create a deep sense of isolation even when you’re not physically alone.

In the early days after a death, support is usually visible. Meals are dropped off. Messages are constant. Cards come in the mail. People check in. But as weeks and months pass, the outside world often quiets down as they go back to their everyday lives and the reality of the loss sinks in for you. Your grief may still feel intense, but fewer people are asking how you’re doing. The lack of support can feel frustrating, confusing and painful.

It can lead to thoughts like:

• Maybe I should be further along.

• Maybe I’m too much for them. I don’t want to be a burden.

• Maybe people are tired of hearing about me talk about him/her.

Most of the time, people aren’t intentionally pulling away. They simply don’t know what to say or how to stay present in someone else’s pain.

You Are Not the Only One Who Feels This Way:

Feeling lonely in grief does not mean you are weak or dramatic. It’s a common experience.
Many grieving people say that the most relieving moment is hearing someone else describe exactly what they’ve been thinking but were afraid to say out loud.

What Can Help With Grief and Loneliness?

You can’t force everyone to understand your grief. But you can:

• Seek spaces like the GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community, where grief is openly discussed

• Identify one or two people who feel safe to be honest with

• Allow yourself to step back from conversations that feel draining

• Connect with others who are also living with loss in a grief group

Loneliness in grief is common. It doesn’t mean you are broken. It means you are carrying something significant. And you deserve spaces where your grief is understood.