Why Does Taking Care of Your Body Matter When You're Grieving?

Grief is not just emotional — it is physical. The exhaustion, the brain fog, the heaviness you feel in your chest are real, measurable effects happening in your body. Taking care of your physical basics after a loss is one of the most direct ways to give yourself the capacity to move through grief. In Episode 2 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn and Kelly break down what Grounding — the G in the G.R.I.E.F. framework — actually looks like in practice.

What is grounding in grief, and why does it come first?

Grounding is what Karyn and Kelly call the basics: eating, sleeping, and moving your body. These are usually the first things to go when someone dies — and they quietly make everything harder. Grounding is not about being healthy in the traditional sense. It is about giving your nervous system enough to work with so grief does not take everything from you.

When you are not eating enough, the brain fog that already comes with grief gets worse. When sleep is disrupted — and grief almost always disrupts sleep — your emotional regulation suffers, your immune system takes a hit, and the simplest decisions feel impossible. When your body is completely still, grief tends to stay stuck in it.

Grief is associated with elevated inflammatory markers including C-reactive protein and interleukin-6, which increase vulnerability to physical illness during bereavement. Twenty minutes of walking has been shown in multiple studies to be as effective as an antidepressant for mood. (Sources: Kiecolt-Glaser et al.; exercise and depression research literature)*

The reframe Karyn offers in the episode is worth sitting with: these basics are some of the only things you still get to have a say in. When grief makes you feel swept along by a life you didn't choose, what you eat, how you protect your sleep, whether you move your body — those are things you can still control. That is not a small thing.

What can you actually do this week if you're barely functioning?

Karyn and Kelly are not asking you to overhaul anything. The action step from this episode is simply to observe — track your eating, sleep, and movement for three days. Not to judge what you find. Just to notice it. What time did you eat, and how did you feel after? What got in the way of sleep? Did you move at all, and what did that feel like?

Awareness without judgment is where momentum begins. Small, consistent steps build on each other — and sometimes a small shift in one area quietly improves the others. Moving your body a little makes sleep slightly easier. Sleeping better makes it more possible to eat something real. These basics are intertwined, which is exactly why Grounding comes first.

Hear Karyn and Kelly go deeper — including their own personal experiences navigating this after loss: https://youtu.be/vgcyjbdDAkc?si=bPsxl5H0B9-bVsl6

Other GRIEF Ladies Podcast Episodes:

What Is the G.R.I.E.F. Framework and How Does It Work? → https://youtu.be/_0ld4dnUT7I?si=89da5nbDXHa9KOmZ  An introduction to all five pillars and why this approach is different from traditional grief models.

Why Rebuilding Structure After Loss Matters More Than You Think → LINK:https://youtu.be/wbJVX3Q2iv8?si=RDMeAnz56crw8hih — Episode 3 covers the R: how routine and daily structure help grieving people regain a sense of footing.

Anticipatory Grief & Alzheimer’s: Coping While Caring for Someone Still Alive

Anticipatory Grief & Alzheimer’s: Coping While Caring for Someone Still Alive

Grief doesn’t always wait for death.

When you’re caring for someone with Alzheimer’s — especially younger onset Alzheimer’s — you may find yourself grieving ongoing changes long before the end of life. This is anticipatory grief, and it can feel confusing, exhausting, and deeply isolating.

In this episode, we explore:

• What anticipatory grief feels like

• The emotional realities of caregiving

• Why building a support community matters

• Self-care strategies that are actually realistic

• Finding moments of connection and joy along the way

Caregiving is love in action — and caregivers deserve care, too.

As always, we close with practical steps you can try this week.

Watch this powerful episode at: https://youtu.be/UPgVDR284-w?si=w9lhcyCPS-zU4KPF

Grief Support That Actually Helps: Meet the Grief Ladies

Most people who are grieving have heard the same things: there’s no right way to grieve, give it time, let yourself feel it. And while there is truth in all of that, it leaves out the most important question — what do you actually do?

That is the question behind The Grief Ladies podcast. Hosts Kelly Daugherty, LCSW, and Karyn Arnold bring over 50 combined years of experience supporting grieving individuals — and in Episode 1, they introduce themselves, share what drew them to this work, and lay out the GRIEF framework that will guide the entire series.

Kelly’s path into grief work began at 14, after the death of her mother, when she walked into a hospice grief group and finally felt less alone. Karyn found her way in through bereavement work with seniors in her mid-20s — and never looked back. Together, they share a belief that grief is not something to simply endure. There are real tools, practical steps, and small shifts that can make a meaningful difference.

In this episode, you’ll hear about the GRIEF framework — a step-by-step approach covering Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding — and why moving forward does not mean leaving your loved one behind. It means taking them with you.

▶️  Listen to Episode 1:  https://youtu.be/_0ld4dnUT7I?si=89da5nbDXHa9KOmZ

Grief in the Body: Somatic Tools for Healing After Loss

Grief in the Body: Somatic Tools for Healing After Loss

Grief doesn’t stay in your thoughts — it often shows up in your body.

In this episode, we explore how loss can affect your identity, self-esteem, and physical health. Joined by somatic coach Jay Moon Fields, we talk about embodied grief, why physical symptoms like tension and stomach aches are common, and simple tools to help process emotions safely.

You’ll learn:

• Why grief can impact your body

• How loss reshapes self-identity

• Practical somatic tools for emotional release

• The “Of Course” validation technique

• How to advocate for yourself during grief

Grief changes you — but it can also deepen your self-awareness.

As always, we close with one practical step you can try this week.

Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/74gX1JHIFGFdE2arAVZAi2?si=0fec4b9a954649a2

Grief After Estrangement: Healing Complicated Relationships Through Ritual & Creativity

Grief After Estrangement: Healing Complicated Relationships Through Ritual & Creativity

What happens when someone you were estranged from dies?

Grief after estrangement can bring layers of emotion — sadness, anger, relief, regret, gratitude — sometimes all at once. When a relationship was complicated, the grieving process can feel confusing and isolating.

In this episode (GRIEF Ladies Episode #29), we talk with Sam Sundius about navigating loss after estrangement, honoring both the hard and meaningful parts of a relationship, and using ritual and creativity as tools for healing.

We explore:

• How grief shows up when the relationship wasn’t simple

• Why grief and gratitude can coexist

• The power of intentional rituals

• Creativity as an outlet for emotional processing

• Finding meaning without rewriting the past

As always, we close with a practical step you can try — because grief changes your life, and you deserve tools that help you live inside that change. Watch this episode at: https://youtu.be/Ab68YHJfgW0?si=eXk9yypx-6jfj0s1

Related topics: estranged parent grief, complicated relationships, ritual for grief, creative grief support.

What Do You Do With a Loved One's Belongings After They Die?

Sorting through a loved one's belongings after they die is one of the hardest parts of grief — and one of the least talked about. The short answer: start with the stories behind the things, not the things themselves, and give yourself permission to go at whatever pace you need. In this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Kelly and Karyn sit down with decluttering specialist Janine McDonald to explore the emotional and practical realities of going through someone's stuff.

Why Is This So Much Harder Than It Sounds?

It's rarely the furniture that stops people in their tracks. More often it's the small things — a pillbox, a well-worn hat, something that seems insignificant to everyone else but holds an entire relationship inside it. Janine explains that objects carry stories, and those stories are what make this process so emotionally complex. Her approach isn't about tidying up — it's about understanding what something meant before deciding what to do with it.

Research from the American Psychological Association identifies decision-making as one of the most cognitively taxing tasks during bereavement, as grief significantly affects attention, memory, and executive function — which helps explain why even small choices about belongings can feel impossible.

How Do You Move Forward Without Feeling Like You're Letting Go of the Person?

This is where the episode gets really good. Janine shares specific, compassionate strategies for when you want to keep everything, when family members disagree, when there's no sentimental meaning but releasing something still feels wrong, and how to repurpose items that can't be used the way they were intended. She also offers one practical gut-check question that Karyn said she'll be thinking about for a long time.

The through-line of everything Janine shares: the memories live in you, not in the objects.

Listen to the full episode (https://youtu.be/9OXwDgETf6E?si=Ky5BkdP1RfvObfWI) to hear Janine's step-by-step approach, her real client stories, and her advice for anyone who feels completely stuck on where to even begin.

How Does Grief Affect Your Body — And What Can You Do About It?

Grief doesn't just live in your mind — it lives in your body, and your nervous system experiences loss as a threat to safety. The short answer to what helps: gentleness, not force. In this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Kelly and Karyn are joined by gentle trauma release practitioner and personal empowerment coach Ramona Kossowan to talk about what's really happening in the body during grief, and what actually helps.

Why Does Grief Feel So Physical?

Sleep disruption, digestive issues, pain, a complete loss of identity — these aren't separate from grief, they're part of it. Ramona explains that trauma and grief live in the nervous system, not just in our thoughts. When we experience significant loss, our sense of safety is threatened, and the body responds accordingly. Most people don't recognize this as trauma — especially when a death was anticipated or happened after a long illness. But as Ramona points out, elements of shock exist no matter what, and the caregiving experience itself can leave lasting imprints on the nervous system.

Research published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that bereaved individuals show measurable changes in immune function, cardiovascular stress response, and sleep architecture — confirming that grief's impact on the body is biological, not just emotional.

What Actually Helps the Body Feel Safe Again?

This is where the episode gets practical. Ramona's approach — rooted in polyvagal theory — focuses on sending the nervous system cues of safety rather than pushing through or forcing progress. That can look like a warm breakfast eaten slowly, gentle movement outdoors, time with people who don't require you to perform okay-ness, or working with someone trained to help the nervous system process what it's been holding.

She also names something not enough people hear: a person can be well-meaning and still not be emotionally safe for you right now. That's not a judgment — it's useful information about what your body needs.

The episode includes Ramona's own grief story, which adds depth and honesty to everything she shares about why this work matters.

Listen to the full episode for Ramona's accessible explanation of polyvagal theory, what a gentle trauma release session actually looks like, and her specific guidance on movement and body-based coping skills during grief.

What Actually Helps: 5 Practical Grief Coping Tools from Real People

Nobody hands you a manual when someone dies.

You're just supposed to figure it out. And most of the advice out there?

It's vague, it's generic, and honestly — it doesn't help.

That's why I love asking our GRIEF Ladies guests to share one practical

coping tool that has actually made a difference in their grief journey.

Not theory. Not platitudes. Just real, actionable steps from real people

who are living it.

5 Guests. 5 Real Coping Tools.

I pulled the actionable steps from five recent episodes and put them

together in one video — because sometimes you just need something

concrete to try.

💛 Featured guests:

- Kelly Myerson (Ep. 22)

- Kat Farace (Ep. 23)

- Charlotte Shuber (Ep. 24)

- Cori Myka (Ep. 25)

- April Hannah (Ep. 26)

Watch it here: https://youtu.be/qpig6OP0Uvk

Your Turn

After you watch, comment on the video. What is one coping tool that has helped you in your grief? Drop it in the comments — your answer

might be exactly what someone else in this community needs today.

And if you want to hear the full story behind each coping tool, the complete episodes are linked below.

🎙️ Full Episodes:

Watch the full episodes:

Link to Ep. 22: https://youtu.be/Oj5HF0xuHhU?si=MU5oBHHuILkhZt6

Link to Ep. 23: https://youtu.be/xRevq_ZcDYo?si=9Pl3DTUQXpJa20Ww

Link to Ep. 24: https://youtu.be/5OEe88S1Sk4?si=ZhPOnLbf6OJr0BXN

Link to Ep. 25: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8?si=PuS0JThk4BY43s1m

Link to Ep. 26: https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY?si=gMWPaAyvhobg_VJH

You're not alone in this. And you don't have to figure it out by yourself. Join the Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Ak2yus1cW/

Can You Still Connect With Someone Who Has Died? April Hannah Says Yes | GRIEF Ladies Ep. 26

What if the connection doesn't have to end when someone dies?

That's exactly what we explored in Episode 26 of GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next with our guest April Hannah — licensed therapist,

intuitive healer, and someone who has spent over 26 years helping people heal in ways that go far beyond traditional therapy.

Where Science Meets Spirit

April's work bridges two worlds that don't always get to sit at the same table — clinical psychotherapy and what she calls the mystical. Think Reiki, sound healing, guided art, and a fascinating evidence-based therapy protocol called Induced After-Death Communication.

Yes, you read that right. Evidence-based.

What makes this episode extra special is that April and I (Kelly) are trained in this protocol together — and actually just wrapped up one of our Induced After-Death Communication retreats the weekend before we recorded this. Safe to say we are both still buzzing from it.

And before you scroll past — research suggests that between 50 and 75 percent of people experience some form of after-death communication after

losing someone they love. So chances are, something April talks about in this episode is going to feel very familiar.

Signs, Dreams & Staying Connected

April gets into the many ways those who have died may reach out — and more importantly, how you can open yourself up to receiving those

connections. She shares practical steps anyone can start today, whether you're a believer, a skeptic, or somewhere in between.

Because, as April says, she's no longer skeptical. And after hearing what happened at her retreat the weekend before this episode was recorded,

we're not surprised. You'll want to hear that part. 🎧

Plus — April Gets Personal

We asked April how she stays connected to her own mom, who has died. Her answer is tender, real, and gives you a glimpse into how someone who does this work professionally still navigates it in her own everyday life.

Listen to Episode 26 here:https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY

Connect with April:

🌐 HannahsHealing.com

📲 Search: April Hannah + after death communication

Have you ever experienced a sign or moment of connection from someone who has died? We'd love to hear about it in the comments on YouTube. This community is a safe space to share — no skepticism here.

What Learning to Swim Taught Us About Grief — with Cori Myka | GRIEF Ladies Ep. 25

What could learning to swim possibly have to do with grief?

More than you'd think.

In Episode 25 of GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next, we welcomed Cori Myka, founder of Calm Within Adult Swim, and the conversation took

a turn we didn't expect — in the best possible way.

Fear. Overwhelm. Not Knowing What Comes Next.

Cori works with adults who are terrified of the water. And as she started describing what her clients experience — the fear, the overwhelm,

the pressure to get it right — we couldn't help but notice how much it sounded like grief.

Because grief puts you in a whole new world too. One where you don't know the rules, you don't know what's coming, and everyone around you

seems to expect you to just figure it out.

Cori shared a powerful framework for slowing all of that down — and it turns out it works whether you're standing at the edge of a pool or

standing at the edge of a whole new life without someone you love.

The Takeaway You Can Try Right Now

One of our favorite moments in this episode was when Cori shared a simple, practical tool you can use anywhere — in a meeting, in a grocery

store line, at a family gathering — when a grief wave hits and you need to come back to yourself.

It's small. It's tangible. And it just might help.

You'll have to listen to get the full details. 🎧

Plus — Cori Shares Something Personal

We also asked Cori how she celebrates those who have died in her own life. Her answer was beautiful, unexpected, and something that stuck

with us long after we stopped recording.

Listen to Episode 25 here: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8

Connect with Cori:

🌐 adultswimlesson.com

📲 @CalmWithinAdultSwim

Have you ever found an unexpected connection between something in your life and your grief? Tell us in the comments of the video — we'd love to hear it.

Still Celebrating Them: How 5 Guests Honor Those Who Have Died

Grief doesn't end the love. And for so many of us, it doesn't end the celebrating either.

One of the questions I get asked most in the grief community is — is it okay to still celebrate someone who has died? Their birthday. Their

favorite holiday. The little everyday moments that used to belong to them.

The answer is yes. Absolutely, beautifully, yes.

And on GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next, five of our incredible guests showed us exactly how they do it.

This Topic Is Deeply Personal to Me

I recently contributed Chapter 17 to The Ultimate Guide to Self-Healing, Volume 6 — a collaborative project with Brave Healer Productions. My chapter is titled Celebrate Their Life: Focusing on Gratitude, Connection, and What Still Remains.

In it, I share my own grief story. My mom died when I was 14. In November 2024, my dad died too. And learning to stay connected to them changed everything about how I experience grief. The chapter explores how grief and gratitude can coexist — and how honoring the life of someone we love can soften grief without any pressure to move on or let go.

"Grief doesn't ask us to let go of our loved ones — it invites us to find new ways to carry them forward."

I also created a meditation to go alongside the chapter. If you're looking for a gentle place to start, this is it. 💛

▶️ Watch the meditation here: https://youtu.be/ionQT1zRMAE?si=_WNsz0kdodVf-W_8

Check out the Ultimate Guide to Self Healing - Volume 6 at: https://a.co/d/03Wuh0hm

What Does It Mean to Celebrate Those Who Have Died?

Celebrating those who have died looks different for everyone. For some it's a ritual — lighting a candle, cooking their favorite meal, visiting a special place. For others it's showing up to their birthday with balloons and tears and laughter all at once. There is no right way.

There is only your way.

What I've learned from hosting GRIEF Ladies is that the people who find ways to keep celebrating those who have died often find it to be one of the most healing parts of their grief journey. Not because it makes the pain go away — but because it keeps the connection alive.

5 Guests. 5 Ways of Still Celebrating Them.

In this special highlights video, I pulled clips from five recent episodes where each guest shared how they continue to honor and celebrate those who have died.

💛 Featured guests:

- Kelly Myerson (Ep. 22)

- Kat Farace (Ep. 23)

- Charlotte Shuber (Ep. 24)

- Cori Myka (Ep. 25)

- April Hannah (Ep. 26)

Each of these guests brought something so real and so personal to their episode. Watching their clips together in one video is a reminder that grief is not one size fits all — and neither is celebrating those we love who have died.

Watch the Video

▶️ https://youtu.be/qEnbe_t6t3M

I hope this video gives you permission — if you needed it — to keep celebrating. To keep marking the days. To keep saying their name.

If any of these guests' stories resonated with you, I'd love for you to watch their full episodes. You can find them all linked below.

🎙️ Full Episodes:

- Kelly Myerson — Episode 22: https://youtu.be/Oj5HF0xuHhU?si=MU5oBHHuILkhZt6

- Kat Farace — Episode 23: https://youtu.be/xRevq_ZcDYo?si=9Pl3DTUQXpJa20Ww

- Charlotte Shuber — Episode 24: https://youtu.be/5OEe88S1Sk4?si=ZhPOnLbf6OJr0BXN

- Cori Myka — Episode 25: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8?si=PuS0JThk4BY43s1m

- April Hannah — Episode 26: https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY?si=gMWPaAyvhobg_VJH

Tell Me — How Do You Celebrate?

How do you celebrate those who have died in your life? Drop it in the comments on the video. This community always shows up for each other, and I know your answer might be exactly what someone else needed to read today.

And if you're not already part of our GRIEF Ladies Facebook community, come join us. It's one of the most real, supportive spaces on the

internet for people navigating grief. 👉 https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Ak735EmTo/

Feeling Stuck in Grief? You Are Not Alone — and Here Is Why It Happens

Recently, Karyn and I were doing a live for our GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community and we were asked this question:

“My husband died five years ago, but I feel stuck and frozen. I understand that grief doesn’t have a timeline, but I can’t seem to make any progress with moving forward. I don’t care about much. I have no motivation or interest in things. I’ve tried therapists and a grief group, but nothing seemed to help.”

If any part of that resonates with you, please know: what you are experiencing is real, it is common, and there are reasons it happens. Here is a summary of how we answered this question.

Why Grief Can Feel Harder as Time Goes On

It might seem counterintuitive, but many people find that grief becomes more difficult — not easier — after the first year or two. Early grief, while devastating, often comes with what we describe as a kind of “novelty.” There is a lot happening: practical decisions to make, people around you, rituals to attend to. You are in motion, even if that motion is painful.

As time passes, the busyness fades. The people around you may have moved on. And suddenly you are left with a quieter, heavier question: “What now? Is this it?” That stillness can strip away motivation and leave you feeling like nothing will ever change.

There is also the issue of comparison. When we look at our current life in grief, we often measure it against the life we had before our loss. That is an incredibly painful comparison to make, and it can quietly fuel a sense of hopelessness.

Your Nervous System May Be Keeping You Stuck

The word “frozen” is significant. It is not just a metaphor — it can be a physiological response. When we experience profound loss, our nervous system responds. For many people, especially those who lost someone who was their primary source of safety and connection, the nervous system can get locked into what is called a dorsal vagal response: collapse, shutdown, and numbness.

This is your body trying to protect you. It is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is an old, hard-wired survival mechanism. Understanding this distinction matters, because the path forward is not about pushing harder or willing yourself to feel better — it is about gently and incrementally helping your nervous system feel safe enough to re-engage with life.

Roadblock Emotions That Keep Us From Moving Forward

Being stuck is often not just about sadness. Beneath the surface, other emotions frequently act as roadblocks:

•        Guilt — for feeling better, for moving forward, for moments of joy

•        Anger — at the loss, at circumstances, at the unfairness of it all

•        Fear — of the future, of forgetting your loved one, of who you are without them

•        Identity loss — “Who am I now?” is one of the most disorienting aspects of grief

One pattern we see frequently, particularly among widows and widowers: a deep-seated fear of feeling better. Many grieving people tell us they feel guilty when they experience happiness, as though moving forward is a betrayal of their loved one. We want to name this clearly — it is not. Moving forward is not leaving your person behind. It is learning to carry them with you.

Not All Therapy and Grief Support Is the Same

If you have tried therapy or a grief group and felt it did not help, please do not take that as evidence that nothing can help you. Consider this: only about 60% of therapists received any education in grief and loss during their training. That means a significant number of well-meaning clinicians simply are not equipped to support grieving clients effectively.

Finding the right therapeutic support is a bit like finding the right bathing suit — the first one you try might not be the right fit, but that does not mean the right one is not out there. We would encourage you to seek out a grief-informed therapist or coach, someone who offers practical tools and not just a space to talk.

The same applies to grief groups. Peer-led groups offer real value, but a group facilitated by a grief-informed professional — one that is action-oriented and gives you tools and frameworks — can be a different experience entirely.

You Grow Around Your Grief — Not Past It

We want to offer one more reframe that we find genuinely helpful: you do not “get over” grief. Your grief does not disappear. What is possible — and what we have seen in our work again and again — is that you grow bigger than your grief. It is still there. But you expand around it.

That expansion happens through small, incremental steps. It happens through connection with others who understand. It happens through the right support, and through learning to move forward with your loved one — not without them.

A Note to Anyone Who Is Stuck Right Now

If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, we want you to hear this: you are not broken. You are not failing at grief. Your nervous system is doing what it was designed to do. Your emotions are real and valid. And the fact that you are still asking questions, still looking for support, still reaching out — that matters.

We wish none of us had to navigate this. But we do know that you do not have to navigate it alone. Join our GRIEF Ladies Community to hear more answers to our group members questions. Join here: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1AdC4voMEG/

Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss

There is a pretty well-accepted theory on grieving that the first year is the hardest. The loss is so new, the first months can be spent in a blur of shock and disbelief.

This can be especially true for a sudden loss, but can surprise people when they are in “shock” even after a loved one has died following a long and drawn out illness.

I’ve said it many times: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can prepare us for the finality of death.

Navigating that first year, through anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can feel endless. But the assumption for most is that as long as they can get through that, it should be smoother sailing in the days ahead.

And then year 2 happens.

The second Mother’s Day without a mom. The second wedding anniversary without a spouse. A second Christmas without a child. And the griever may find themselves thinking, “this isn’t any easier”.

Some people have told me that the second year was actually more of a challenge. Perhaps because of expectation – expecting to feel better and then feeling even more disappointed and sad when they didn’t. Or maybe it’s because the more time passes, the longer we’ve had to live without that person. The longer it’s been since we’ve seen them or heard their voice.

This is a terrifying thought for the newly bereaved, to think that it’s not going to be a steady climb upwards in grieving and healing, and I don’t share this to scare those who are in their very early days.

But expectations are a big part of our mindset, even when we’re not in the stages of grief. How much more do we enjoy the movie or party that we thought was going to be terrible? How disappointed are we when a long planned vacation-of-a-lifetime turns out to be not all what we would have hoped?

If ever there was a time when we need to be setting realistic expectations for ourselves, then certainly our time of grieving is one of them.

Throw away the timelines.

Don’t compare yourself with those whom you know have had a loss. The coworker who was back to work smiling only a few days after her Dad died? She was crying every day on the way to and from work. The family member who thinks that 18 months after your husband died you should be dating again? She has no idea what this loss feels like, what your love felt like, or what is right for you.

Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those who don’t understand. Don’t expect today to be hard and tomorrow to be easy. Honor wherever you are right in this moment and know that even if it feels uncomfortable, unsettling and uneasy, that it’s probably exactly where you need to be.

Stay open to the idea of hope and optimism – but don’t set a timeline for its arrival.

Improving Communication When No One Understands...

A Free Online Workshop from the GRIEF Ladies

You have people in your life who love you. And somehow, you still feel completely alone in your grief.

They say the wrong things. They move on too quickly. They ask how you are doing, and you say "I'm fine" — because what else are you supposed to say? Because explaining it feels exhausting. Because you're not sure they can really handle the honest answer.

If any of this sounds familiar, we want you to know: this is one of the most common and most painful parts of grief. And it is exactly what Kelly Daugherty and Karyn Arnold are tackling in their upcoming free workshop.

What This Workshop Is About

On Wednesday, April 23rd, from 4 to 5 PM EST, the GRIEF Ladies are hosting a free one-hour online event focused on one of the most frustrating parts of loss: communicating with the people around you when they just don't get it.

They will help you understand why the people who care about you still manage to say all the wrong things — and more importantly, what you can actually do about it.

What You Will Walk Away With

In just one hour, you will gain practical tools to help you:

• Understand why grief makes communication so hard — and why that is not your fault

• Know what to say (and what not to say) in the conversations that feel impossible

• Figure out who is actually safe to confide in — and how to protect your energy with everyone else

• Navigate the comments that sting, even when they come from a good place

• Move forward in relationships that have felt strained or disconnected since your loss

• You will leave with real tools you can use immediately — no matter how recent or long your grief has been.

Who This Is For

This event is open to anyone grieving any type of loss — a partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or any meaningful relationship. Whether your grief is fresh or has been with you for years, this session is for you if you have ever thought:

"Why doesn't anyone understand what this is like?"

"I don't have the energy to explain myself anymore."

"I wish I knew what to say — or what not to say."

About the GRIEF Ladies

Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty are the founders and facilitators of the GRIEF Ladies, and between them they have spent over 50 years walking alongside thousands of grieving individuals. Their approach is practical, direct, and built around one core belief: that grief is not something you just have to sit with. Actionable steps make all the difference.

Their GRIEF Framework — Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding — is the guide they use to help people move from grieving with pain to grieving with love, while staying connected to the people they have lost.

This workshop focuses on the I: Interacting — because how we communicate after loss matters more than most people realize.

Event Details

Date:  Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Time:  4:00 – 5:00 PM EST

Cost:  Free

Register: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/85af7470/appointment/89553879/calendar/2617012

Reserve Your Free Spot

Space is limited. Register now to receive your link to join.

https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/85af7470/appointment/89553879/calendar/2617012

Questions? Reach us at griefladies@gmail.com

More resources at www.griefladies.com

The Guilt of Relief in Grief

When speaking with a person who has recently lost a loved one to a long illness, I often hear them say “I’m just relieved that she’s gone.”

And this statement is almost certainly followed with something like: “It’s just that she was suffering for such a long time. I love my mom, but for those last few years she wasn’t herself. She had no quality of life and I know she would not have wanted to live that way.…”

The fact is that relief is a complicated emotion when coupled with grieving.

Even people who have the ability to express relief out loud can’t do so without explaining how they could feel “relieved” that someone they love has died.

Watching someone we love get diagnosed with a disease, suffer with its symptoms and ultimately die is one of the most traumatic things we can experience.

As we watch a loved one lose every fundamental ability during an especially long illness, we may find ourselves wishing it would end.

And why is this “guilt of relief” such a strange concept? When we struggled at other points in our lives, didn’t we find we could freely express that we wanted the struggle to be over? Wasn’t voicing our relief almost always acceptable?

Understanding the Guilt of Relief

Finding relief on the other side of loss is nothing to feel guilty about, and certainly not something that should require an explanation.

Yet the guilt this conflict leaves is something few people find they are able to shake.

While so few parts of the grieving process could ever be considered simple, in this case a subtle shift in perspective could be what makes the difference.

When speaking to someone who reluctantly admits feeling this “guilt of relief” following the loss of a loved one, I offer one simple idea:

“You are not relieved that your loved one has died. You are relieved that a time in your life marked by stress, uncertainty and suffering is now over.”

Give it a try. See if this change in perspective can make a difference. Don’t make this process any harder than it has to be and let yourself off the hook when you can. You have been through one of the most difficult and challenging experiences a person can endure. If you are able to feel even a small sense of relief, it is not something to hide, but to embrace.

And remember that you aren’t alone in your grief, or in experiencing your guilt of relief. Our forums offer you a place to see and share stories of grieving with people who have gone through losses of their own.

There’s even a section called Life After Caregiving. If you feel like you can’t say the things you feel out loud, start there. Share your experience with those who have been where you’ve been.

Grief Making You Feel “Lazy”? Why It Happens & How To Help

Lazy. Such a strange word in the way that it can be used so differently throughout our lives. A lazy coworker or teenager can be a terrible source of frustration but a lazy Sunday can be one of our greatest joys.

In grief, I find it works a little differently. So often I speak with people who tell me they feel lazy or identify as this new lazy person that they don’t recognize – so new from the go go go that they were used to before.

In this respect these aren’t people enjoying the leisure of a well deserved break, but instead a frustrating new side of themselves that they don’t understand and can’t see a way out of.

So first and foremost, let’s start by changing the language. Because I don’t think lazy in any of the ways we’re used to saying it works for someone who has had a loss. The circumstances are too different, too extreme, and a change of our language and perspective may just be what we need to make the change.

Grief is exhausting. I say this all the time and EVERY griever I speak with quickly agrees, and yet…it’s this same person who doesn’t understand why they feel less motivated, interested, or energized.

I think it’s important that we start by recognizing and validating just HOW MUCH WORK it takes to grieve. Sure, it doesn’t look like much- from the outside it may not look like anything at all. Picture for a moment those cartoons where you can see the cogs and wheels inside a person’s brain, only imagine that the only thing turning around in there is grief.

And it’s not just sadness. It’s the questioning, the second guessing, the anger, regret, remorse, anxiety, worry and uncertainty. It’s the time travel of revisiting the past, unable to shake images of the last days, weeks or months. And the worry and uncertainty of the future. What now? Where do I go from here?

The quiet griever is actually quite busy in that head of theirs and unfortunately not too many of their thoughts can be viewed as anything close to positive.

So how do we help?

Start with the basics.

One of the first things I ask the people I’m working with is, “how have you been sleeping?”. The answers may vary but there’s no denying that whether a griever struggles to fall asleep, or has a hard time staying asleep, losing sleep in grief is a norm for many and it’s having a very big impact on their days.

How can we be expected to function during the day if we’re not sleeping at night? Grief brings with it such a deep sadness and sluggishness, we may not even recognize the role being tired is playing in our inability to heal. The exhaustion blends in so easily with the rest of the experiences of grieving.

So starting with the basics, we want to look at our sleep and make sure we’re getting enough of it. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes practice but a good night’s sleep is well within your grasp. To learn more you can read our previous article on sleep here: HOW TO GET A BETTER NIGHT’S SLEEP WHEN GRIEVING.

“Are you eating right?”. That’s another another question I ask of the people I work with. And by right I mean, are you eating often enough? Is it at least somewhat healthy and not all fast food or food that comes out of a can? While food is really such a big part of our days, at least in earlier parts of our life, the healing nature of it is sadly overlooked and can make a real difference in the energy we need to grieve. Just as athletes fuel up for their physical performance – a griever needs real nourishment if they’re going to have what it takes to get through their own emotional marathon. This too has been addressed in an earlier article and if you’re interested in learning more you can find it here: FOOD AS FUEL FOR SELF CARE AND HEALING.

Next, let’s think about the personality changes that happen after loss. There is nothing more visible than the very huge void a loved one leaves in their passing. So while it’s so easy to see just how much has changed in our routine and in the landscape of our life following loss, we don’t always realize just how much has changed in us.

Take a moment to think, just off the top of your head, 3 personality traits that you have identified with, or labeled yourself as, for most of your adult life.

Organized? Patient? Optimistic? Creative? Productive? Caring? Focused?

Now think about how many of those traits feel within your grasp, right now, in the very depths of grief.

Most will say that the strengths so easily available to them in earlier parts of life seem so out of reach when grieving. And it’s this that also adds to that feeling of “lazy”. Because let’s face it….who cares and what does it matter?

I often hear people use the phrase “matter of life and death” – as in, “call me back when you get a moment- it’s not a matter of life and death”. Translation?

It’s not important.

So many things in life prior to loss seem sooooo important. There are deadlines, plans, and expectations, and the desire to do everything just right.

But after loss? Not so much. It doesn’t seem so important anymore. After loss we realize that geez – basically nothing is a matter of life and death and after the death of someone we love, everything else seems just really really small and insignificant.

So who cares? Why bother?

I’ve had this question in some way or another asked so many times from so many people that I think together we’ve actually come up with some idea of an answer.

If looking at any effort we make as an attempt to change our life in a way so that it no longer reflects things that have happened and can’t be undone (like the loss of someone we love) than we’ll always be right: it won’t make a difference.

Nothing can change the reality of loss, and that takes a really long time to adapt to that information.

So it’s true: getting a good night’s sleep doesn’t make a loved one come back. Eating well doesn’t make a loved one come back. Making a new friend, or engaging in a hobby, or working in the garden or fixing up the house doesn’t make a loved one come back.

So what difference does it make? Well, perhaps if we do a few things differently and slowly find our way to some part of ourselves and our lives that are somewhat familiar and recognizable maybe we can make this new reality just a little more tolerable.

We already know what inaction looks like. What becoming stagnant and stuck, and what feeling “lazy” looks like.

Doing a few things to make life better may possibly do just that – make this life a little better.

You’re NOT lazy. Have compassion for yourself. Give yourself some grace. Be patient with yourself and this process.

All of those things rattling around in your head that are causing so much stress will often seem so unreachable and hard to solve, no matter how many exhausting times we go over it. Why? Because they are unreachable and unfixable. At least today. Today you can’t fix it all.

So take all of this one step at a time and start with the basics.

1. Validate this experience by understanding why grief is so hard and lasts so long.

2. Improve your sleep – and do not expect anything else to improve until that does.

3. Make sure you’re eating well. Nourish yourself. Take care of yourself on this very basic level and remember – it matters, and you matter.

4. Be patient. Take this one day at a time, one hour at a time, and don’t let the overwhelming nature of it overwhelm you, make you stagnant or slow you down.

5. Change your perspective and consider the alternatives. We already know what this (current state of grief) looks like. What would one small change do and could it bring you even one step closer to healing?

No, this isn’t the life you planned for or expected and it’s not the one you wanted or asked for. But don’t give up on trying to make it better. Because it just may work.

Growing Around Grief: Staying Connected While Moving Forward After Loss

Have you ever wondered if it's okay to still feel close to someone who has died? If holding onto their memory somehow means you're not healing — or moving on the "right" way?

You are not alone. And the answer might surprise you.

In this powerful episode (24) of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, licensed clinical social worker Charlotte Shuber flips the script on what grief is supposed to look like — and gives grieving women permission to carry their loved ones with them, not leave them behind.

You Don't Have to Let Go to Move Forward

One of the most damaging myths about grief is that healing means detaching. That at some point, you pack up the memories, put them away, and "get back to normal."

Charlotte's message is the opposite: staying connected to someone who died is not only healthy — it's part of how we grow.

Rather than moving on, she invites us to move forward — with our loved ones woven into who we are becoming.

What You'll Take Away from This Episode

• Why "letting go" is the wrong goal — and what to reach for instead

• How to interact with your emotions and memories in ways that fuel healing, not avoidance

• Charlotte's personal story of loss and how it shaped her clinical approach

• Practical tools for maintaining a connection with a loved one while still fully living your life

• Why grief is not a problem to solve — it's a relationship to tend

The GRIEF Framework: Interacting

This episode falls under the I — Interacting category of the GRIEF Framework, which focuses on how we engage with our inner world: our emotions, our memories, and the ongoing relationship we have with those we've lost.

Charlotte's approach reminds us that grief is not passive. It requires us to show up — to sit with what hurts, to speak the names of those we love, and to let that love continue to shape us.

About Charlotte Shuber

Charlotte Shuber is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in grief and loss. She works with children, teens, and adults, combining professional expertise with her own lived experience of loss. Charlotte is passionate about creating a compassionate space where people can explore grief openly, adapt to life changes, and discover meaningful ways to stay connected—with loved ones who have died, with others, and with themselves.

Connect with Charlotte:  https://www.creatingspacetherapy.com/charlotte-shuber-lcsw

Ready to Listen?

🎙️ Tune in to this episode of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts or on YouTube— and share it with someone who needs to hear that staying connected is not a weakness. It's wisdom.

Because you don't have to choose between honoring them and living fully. You were never meant to.

The GRIEF Ladies Podcast is dedicated to supporting grieving individuals through loss with real conversations, expert guidance, and community.

Self-Esteem & Grief: The Hidden Loss

Self-esteem. Insecurity. Doubt. Just the mention of these words can make us think of a very specific time in our life. Perhaps the teenage years or young adulthood – when how you feel about yourself and your place in the world can be so uncertain. But as time goes on and you settle into your adult life, self-esteem may not seem so important, and it’s not something you may have paid much attention to. In other words, if it’s not great, it’s at least good enough. 

It’s also not something you hear spoken about in grief. And yet significant loss can completely drain and deplete any self-esteem you may have, making it feel impossible to move forward in a healthy or purposeful way. 

So why does confidence take such a hit after loss, and how do we begin to improve this invisible symptom of grief? 

Before we talk about why it’s so common to lose self-esteem in grief, perhaps it’s a good idea to explore why it’s important, and how it serves us in life. 

Most of us think of self-esteem as just a set of (hopefully) good feelings that we have about ourselves. It can be confidence in a skill, talent, career, or perhaps the role we play in the lives of the people around us. We know that self-esteem should probably come from within. But it’s most likely to be raised by compliments from others, or lowered if we think someone doubts our character or abilities. It could be tempting to write off self-esteem as no more than shallow window-dressing, but the truth is it serves a much greater purpose than that. 

Self-esteem is a motivator

Whether we are aware of it or not, we are quite regularly monitoring our own self-worth. Whatever conclusion we come to is going to determine the actions and steps we take. Before we embark on a task we’re deciding, can I do it? Will I succeed? Will it turn out okay? The less confident we feel, the less motivated we become. 

So where does self-esteem come in and how does grief take it away?  

Signs & Symptoms of Grief

For starters, let’s talk about the symptoms of grief. Loss of focus. Feeling exhausted. Feeling scattered. There’s so many changes that can happen after we’ve had a loss. When we add them all up we can be left thinking, “what happened to me? I used to have it so together”. While I talk about the individual signs and symptoms of grief quite a bit, it is the accumulation of these changes that leads to such a deep and significant dip in self-esteem. After all, we’re talking about a loss of almost every good adjective we would have used to describe ourselves in the past. Organized, motivated, optimistic. Our resume of emotional health may not seem to have a lot to offer anymore and a sudden dip in confidence can be attributed directly to it. 

Who We Lost

This one may be easier to see. First, let’s think about the loss of our parents. The people who loved us unconditionally. Or the spouse or partner who had a way of making everything feel okay. Who loved us physically, intellectually, and provided a safe and intimate sense of security. Who am I without these people to tell me I’m good? Or beautiful? Or smart? Did I ever really believe it in the first place or did I just like the way I looked when reflected in their eyes? The level of confidence our loved ones may provide us isn’t something we necessarily recognize as acutely when they’re here. But there’s no doubt it’s something that we can feel the sharp and painful absence of when they’re not. 

Feeling worthy

Most of our routine gets thrown off balance in the wake of loss, but the simple act of eating brings with it unseen complications. In loss a lot of grievers find they struggle to eat anything of substance. After all, they’ll say, “It’s just me”. Recently a widow I spoke with put it a little differently. “I just feel that I’m not really worth it”. I can’t tell you how much this statement surprised me. In the most matter-of-fact way, she simply stated that she just didn’t see the point. Cooking and eating well was worth it when her husband was alive. But now that it was “just” her, eating wasn’t a priority. She didn’t feel that she, or the actions it would take to nourish herself, were worth it.

Making decisions

EVERYTHING feels like a decision after loss, and often we’ve lost the person who helped us make them. Add to that the fact that we are feeling forgetful and scattered in grief. Can I really trust myself to be making the right decision? And what if I’ve made a mistake already like forgetting to pay a bill, or missing an important appointment? Suddenly we don’t trust ourselves the way we used to, and that can create a cycle of fear, indecision, and uncertainty that sends our confidence spiraling even further.

So how do we break the cycle of low self-esteem and insecurity in grief?

First (and this is my answer for a lot of things if I’m being honest) – by recognizing it. Recognize that on the very long list of things that have been lessened, depleted or stolen in grief, self-esteem needs to be added. And not only does it need to be recognized for the hit it’s taken, we need to realize that it’s worth bringing back. As I mentioned before, I am often educating people on the signs & symptoms of acute grief as I strongly believe it’s the validation that helps. To know that you’re not crazy. That you’re not alone. Your thoughts, feelings, and responses to this grief are “normal”, common, and to be expected.

Expectations count for a lot.

When expectations are too high, we get impatient, frustrated, and restless. When they’re too low, we feel hopeless, helpless and useless. It’s a terrible cycle to find yourself in and it will only cause self-esteem to be negatively impacted further.  

Understanding and validating the experience of grief allows us to manage our expectations better. While the losses we face are permanent, the changes we see in ourselves don’t have to be. 

Take a step back and re-enter this grief, ready to define the way you see yourself in a whole new way. 

Feeling lazy?

Grief is exhausting. There is so much mental energy used to process loss and a griever can become immobilized by it. We can accomplish so much less than we’re used to, and still feel more tired than ever. Quite simply, you’re not lazy: you’re grieving.

Feeling forgetful?

Our memory has one very important requirement in order for it to work well: focus. If we want to remember something, we have to be able to focus and concentrate on it in the first place. Grief, and especially “new” grief takes all of our focus. As one griever once said to me, “focus isn’t my problem. The problem is I can ONLY focus on the person I lost”. That’s going to make it hard to be paying attention to (and therefore committing to memory) anything else.

Feeling like you’ve slipped in another important role in your life?

Let’s say you’ve lost your spouse, and no longer feel that you’re able to be the parent you want to be. Or someone who has lost a parent, who is struggling to be upbeat, or engaged with your spouse or kids. Or anyone who has a job or family or friends who has had a loss and feels they have nothing left to give to the work, life, and people who are still here. I really could go on and on. There’s just too many changes and we’re just too hard on ourselves to realize that we are expecting to be everything to everyone… even when everything has changed. 

In the end, it’s not about excuses, it’s about forgiveness and altering our expectations of how we should be feeling, or how soon we should be getting better.  

Raising self-esteem in grief can be as “simple” as being able to validate that GRIEF IS HARD.

We’ve never done this before, there’s no manual to get through it, and every day we’re trying to do just that: get through it. I often say that in grief, we are operating in crisis mode. And the rules are very different in crisis. For example – if someone is ever critically injured and brought to the emergency room, the nurses and doctors may use scissors to cut through their clothing to try and save them. No one cares about a piece of clothing in the middle of crisis. Getting this person better is the only thing that matters in that moment. But if we go to the doctor for our regular check up, we would be stunned and outraged if they pulled out a pair of scissors to cut through our shirt! 

Our expectations for “normal” life are very different then they are in times of high stress and trauma. And I think every griever can agree that nothing feels normal after loss. Our expectations need to change to reflect that.

The rules of crisis are very different.

Allowing yourself to understand that should also help you know that the expectations should be different too. What we have to do to get through, get by and survive, especially in early grief – should not be an indication of who we are right now and it certainly doesn’t have to define us in the long term.

Be gentle to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate the small victories (like mowing the lawn for the first time or cooking a meal) by realizing that they’re not small at all. Congratulate yourself for every single thing you accomplish in grief, and forgive the times when you feel you’re not accomplishing enough. 

The hope is to eventually string enough victories and good feelings together to restore and rebuild your spirit. And hopefully along with it…your self-esteem.

Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

If you’re wondering how to rebuild your life after someone dies, you’re not alone. Loss can shatter routines, disrupt your sense of identity, and make everyday tasks feel overwhelming.

In this episode (23) of The GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty are joined by grief counselor and hospice expert Kat Farace to explore what “rebuilding” really means after loss. We talk about why routine matters in grief, how small daily structure can support your nervous system, and why rebuilding isn’t about “moving on” — it’s about learning how to live forward while carrying love with you.

In this conversation, you’ll learn:

• Why grief disrupts your daily rhythms

• How to gently reintroduce routine without pressure

• The role of self-care in early and ongoing grief

• Why community support matters when everything feels unstable

• Practical coping tools to help you feel more steady

This episode connects to the Rebuilding trail marker in our G.R.I.E.F. Framework — focusing on structure, routine, and small steps that create stability in the midst of emotional upheaval.

If you’ve been feeling unmoored, exhausted, or unsure how to function after loss, this episode offers validation, realistic strategies, and encouragement for wherever you are in your grief journey.

Guest Bio:

Kat Farace is an author, speaker, and grief coach with over 25 years of experience in hospiceand end-of-life care, walking alongside individuals and families through life’s most profound moments of loss, love, and transition. Her work is grounded in compassion, honesty, and the deep belief that grief—while never chosen—can become one of our greatest teachers.

Through decades of hospice service, Kat has supported thousands of people as they navigated death, dying, and bereavement, gaining rare insight into the emotional, spiritual, and relational realities of grief. Her approach blends professional expertise with heartfelt presence, offering guidance that is both practical and deeply human.

Kat is the author of the upcoming book Grief the Teacher: The Teacher We Never
Wanted—With the Lessons Only Love and Loss Can Teach, to be released in Spring 2026. In
it, she explores grief not as something to “get over,” but as an experience that reshapes us,
challenges us, and ultimately invites growth, meaning, and connection.

Kat creates space for real conversations about loss—conversations that honor pain while also making room for hope, resilience, and love. Whether speaking to the newly grieving or those carrying loss for a lifetime, she brings a steady, compassionate presence that reminds listeners they are not alone.

Kat Farace’s work continues to reach audiences through coaching, speaking engagements, and storytelling that normalizes grief, dismantles shame, and gently illuminates the path
forward—one honest conversation at a time.

Connect with Kat: 

Website: https://www.balanceingrief.com 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/balanceingrief/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/balanceingriefcom

🎙 Listen to Episode 23: Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

Available now on YouTube and all podcast platforms.

Perfectionists, People Pleasers & Grief

Perfectionists. People Pleasers.

Some will immediately relate to these labels, and some maybe not so much. Yet most people I work with exhibit at least some of these traits, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. For the perfectionists, it may come as an almost badge of honor. A commitment they’ve made to themselves to do everything the best they can, without fail, in every single category of their life. The people pleasers may not be as satisfied with that title. But they also understand it as a necessary skill to function in their lives, and as a way to get along with the people around them. 

But what happens when life falls apart? Expectations for ourselves often remain the same, but how can they when EVERY SINGLE THING in life has changed? Do these old habits and old roles still work?

Let’s start by understanding what it really means to be a perfectionist or a people pleaser. While I work with (and know personally) plenty of people who possess both tendencies, there’s nothing saying that one has to go with the other. In order to understand where you may fit, it’s important to explore each on their own first.

There are a lot of perfectionists in this world.

It can show up in the way a person interacts with others, or how they keep themselves or their home. As a result, a standard and expectation becomes set and it can be very hard to do anything without having to do it really well, all the time.

People pleasers are a little different.

This behavior often comes from childhood, and is a learned response to safety and inclusivity with the world and people around us. People pleasers put others’ needs ahead of their own and for the most part, they’re doing this to the extreme.

So why does it matter in grief?

First: it’s not sustainable. The old habits and old ways of doing things only work when everything else in life is going okay. Next, competing with your “old self” will only create a greater contrast of who you are now, compared to who you used to be. This can add to the intense pressure, unfamiliarity, and uncertainty that a griever is feeling on a daily basis.

The problem with perfectionists and grief.

If you have always tried to do everything “right”, you may already be used to some of the pressure and stress that comes with it. But now you’ve had a significant loss, and you’re likely experiencing a level of stress that you never have before. You can barely think straight. How can you be expected to do the “right thing” when NOTHING feels right anymore?

In grief, being a perfectionist can actually equate to something that most would feel is far from perfect = procrastination. Decision making is a huge task in grief and if the old habits of perfectionism continue, a griever may find themselves making no decisions at all. The fear of doing the “wrong” thing may leave you feeling stuck, even hopeless.

Diminished self-esteem is also a huge concern for any griever, and if you feel that you are constantly falling short, your image and self worth will only sink lower.

The reason why people-pleasing tendencies can’t continue.

Unlike the perfectionists who are trying to make things just right in their own lives, people pleasers are trying to do it for everyone else instead. Here’s the problem when it comes to life after loss – a griever doesn’t even know what they need or how to make themselves feel any peace. So how can they be expected to anticipate the needs of anyone else?

It doesn’t help that some of the biggest challenges in grief come from those around you. Whether it’s in the form of real or perceived expectations, most people feel very disconnected from their loved ones following loss. Managing the emotions and needs of others takes the kind of higher-order thinking that a person in grief just doesn’t have access to. And for most it’s not a case of not wanting to be a help or support to others. They just may feel that they no longer can.

How to stop being a perfectionist or people pleaser today.

I often make comparisons to physical health when describing grief. When it comes to our physical health, we are much more understanding of what we can and can’t do. If you have a broken arm, you would never expect to be able to help a friend move their couch. And your friend wouldn’t ask you to.

But what about the brokenness that comes with grief? Can we take a more honest look at what we actually can and can’t do emotionally? And can we start reframing our interactions with ourselves and others accordingly?

This is where change begins.

First, in observation. Watch yourself and your thoughts. What are your expectations for yourself? Consider what old instincts are kicking in and how often you are telling yourself that you “should” be doing something. And then consider the reality of whether you really can (or want to).

Next, in practice. You’ve got to start somewhere. If you’re a perfectionist and worried about how clean the house is (or isn’t), consider changing your standards. For now. Maybe at some point you’ll decide to go back to having the cleanest house on the block. But for now that just may not be something you have the energy for. Grief is exhausting. Use your energy wisely.

What about my friends and family?

How will they react if I’m no longer a perfectionist or people pleaser? We all know what we expect from ourselves, but we can’t deny that the people in our lives are probably expecting a lot too. Especially with the passage of time. It’s all well and good for me to give you permission to put a greater focus on yourself and your needs, but will the people around you allow for the same grace? Especially with each day that passes since your loss?

Start by giving yourself permission and know that in a lot of ways, that will be the hardest part. Validate every single reason why you can’t or don’t want to hold yourself to the same expectations as before. And give yourself permission to only do or commit to what you can.

The people around you may need time to adapt, and that’s okay. Communicate. Don’t apologize. If they’re asking, let them know what this process is like for you. And why you need to make some changes in order to survive.

In the end, this grief is your business.

No one else gets to decide what you need in grief. It’s important to remind yourself (regularly!) that you’re doing the best you can. And when you’re feeling like that best isn’t so great, know that how you feel now isn’t how you’ll always feel. Grief is always changing and your needs, wants, limitations, and abilities will all change with it.

For all the perfectionists and people pleasers in this world, I leave you with this. If you’re going to please anyone right now, try pleasing yourself first. Find peace and comfort in little moments whenever you can. And remember that these tendencies were never good for you to begin with. There’s some real growth that can come out of the brokenness of loss. Start today by resetting the expectations you have for yourself, and find growth and perhaps a new strength, in the healing that follows.

Want to read more of Karyn’s blogs visit Grief in Common