What Actually Helps: 5 Practical Grief Coping Tools from Real People

Nobody hands you a manual when someone dies.

You're just supposed to figure it out. And most of the advice out there?

It's vague, it's generic, and honestly — it doesn't help.

That's why I love asking our GRIEF Ladies guests to share one practical

coping tool that has actually made a difference in their grief journey.

Not theory. Not platitudes. Just real, actionable steps from real people

who are living it.

5 Guests. 5 Real Coping Tools.

I pulled the actionable steps from five recent episodes and put them

together in one video — because sometimes you just need something

concrete to try.

💛 Featured guests:

- Kelly Myerson (Ep. 22)

- Kat Farace (Ep. 23)

- Charlotte Shuber (Ep. 24)

- Cori Myka (Ep. 25)

- April Hannah (Ep. 26)

Watch it here: https://youtu.be/qpig6OP0Uvk

Your Turn

After you watch, comment on the video. What is one coping tool that has helped you in your grief? Drop it in the comments — your answer

might be exactly what someone else in this community needs today.

And if you want to hear the full story behind each coping tool, the complete episodes are linked below.

🎙️ Full Episodes:

Watch the full episodes:

Link to Ep. 22: https://youtu.be/Oj5HF0xuHhU?si=MU5oBHHuILkhZt6

Link to Ep. 23: https://youtu.be/xRevq_ZcDYo?si=9Pl3DTUQXpJa20Ww

Link to Ep. 24: https://youtu.be/5OEe88S1Sk4?si=ZhPOnLbf6OJr0BXN

Link to Ep. 25: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8?si=PuS0JThk4BY43s1m

Link to Ep. 26: https://youtu.be/bTayMPCvKYY?si=gMWPaAyvhobg_VJH

You're not alone in this. And you don't have to figure it out by yourself. Join the Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Ak2yus1cW/

What Learning to Swim Taught Us About Grief — with Cori Myka | GRIEF Ladies Ep. 25

What could learning to swim possibly have to do with grief?

More than you'd think.

In Episode 25 of GRIEF Ladies: A Guide to What Comes Next, we welcomed Cori Myka, founder of Calm Within Adult Swim, and the conversation took

a turn we didn't expect — in the best possible way.

Fear. Overwhelm. Not Knowing What Comes Next.

Cori works with adults who are terrified of the water. And as she started describing what her clients experience — the fear, the overwhelm,

the pressure to get it right — we couldn't help but notice how much it sounded like grief.

Because grief puts you in a whole new world too. One where you don't know the rules, you don't know what's coming, and everyone around you

seems to expect you to just figure it out.

Cori shared a powerful framework for slowing all of that down — and it turns out it works whether you're standing at the edge of a pool or

standing at the edge of a whole new life without someone you love.

The Takeaway You Can Try Right Now

One of our favorite moments in this episode was when Cori shared a simple, practical tool you can use anywhere — in a meeting, in a grocery

store line, at a family gathering — when a grief wave hits and you need to come back to yourself.

It's small. It's tangible. And it just might help.

You'll have to listen to get the full details. 🎧

Plus — Cori Shares Something Personal

We also asked Cori how she celebrates those who have died in her own life. Her answer was beautiful, unexpected, and something that stuck

with us long after we stopped recording.

Listen to Episode 25 here: https://youtu.be/aiLqrtJuFI8

Connect with Cori:

🌐 adultswimlesson.com

📲 @CalmWithinAdultSwim

Have you ever found an unexpected connection between something in your life and your grief? Tell us in the comments of the video — we'd love to hear it.

Improving Communication When No One Understands...

A Free Online Workshop from the GRIEF Ladies

You have people in your life who love you. And somehow, you still feel completely alone in your grief.

They say the wrong things. They move on too quickly. They ask how you are doing, and you say "I'm fine" — because what else are you supposed to say? Because explaining it feels exhausting. Because you're not sure they can really handle the honest answer.

If any of this sounds familiar, we want you to know: this is one of the most common and most painful parts of grief. And it is exactly what Kelly Daugherty and Karyn Arnold are tackling in their upcoming free workshop.

What This Workshop Is About

On Wednesday, April 23rd, from 4 to 5 PM EST, the GRIEF Ladies are hosting a free one-hour online event focused on one of the most frustrating parts of loss: communicating with the people around you when they just don't get it.

They will help you understand why the people who care about you still manage to say all the wrong things — and more importantly, what you can actually do about it.

What You Will Walk Away With

In just one hour, you will gain practical tools to help you:

• Understand why grief makes communication so hard — and why that is not your fault

• Know what to say (and what not to say) in the conversations that feel impossible

• Figure out who is actually safe to confide in — and how to protect your energy with everyone else

• Navigate the comments that sting, even when they come from a good place

• Move forward in relationships that have felt strained or disconnected since your loss

• You will leave with real tools you can use immediately — no matter how recent or long your grief has been.

Who This Is For

This event is open to anyone grieving any type of loss — a partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or any meaningful relationship. Whether your grief is fresh or has been with you for years, this session is for you if you have ever thought:

"Why doesn't anyone understand what this is like?"

"I don't have the energy to explain myself anymore."

"I wish I knew what to say — or what not to say."

About the GRIEF Ladies

Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty are the founders and facilitators of the GRIEF Ladies, and between them they have spent over 50 years walking alongside thousands of grieving individuals. Their approach is practical, direct, and built around one core belief: that grief is not something you just have to sit with. Actionable steps make all the difference.

Their GRIEF Framework — Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding — is the guide they use to help people move from grieving with pain to grieving with love, while staying connected to the people they have lost.

This workshop focuses on the I: Interacting — because how we communicate after loss matters more than most people realize.

Event Details

Date:  Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Time:  4:00 – 5:00 PM EST

Cost:  Free

Register: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/85af7470/appointment/89553879/calendar/2617012

Reserve Your Free Spot

Space is limited. Register now to receive your link to join.

https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/85af7470/appointment/89553879/calendar/2617012

Questions? Reach us at griefladies@gmail.com

More resources at www.griefladies.com

The Guilt of Relief in Grief

When speaking with a person who has recently lost a loved one to a long illness, I often hear them say “I’m just relieved that she’s gone.”

And this statement is almost certainly followed with something like: “It’s just that she was suffering for such a long time. I love my mom, but for those last few years she wasn’t herself. She had no quality of life and I know she would not have wanted to live that way.…”

The fact is that relief is a complicated emotion when coupled with grieving.

Even people who have the ability to express relief out loud can’t do so without explaining how they could feel “relieved” that someone they love has died.

Watching someone we love get diagnosed with a disease, suffer with its symptoms and ultimately die is one of the most traumatic things we can experience.

As we watch a loved one lose every fundamental ability during an especially long illness, we may find ourselves wishing it would end.

And why is this “guilt of relief” such a strange concept? When we struggled at other points in our lives, didn’t we find we could freely express that we wanted the struggle to be over? Wasn’t voicing our relief almost always acceptable?

Understanding the Guilt of Relief

Finding relief on the other side of loss is nothing to feel guilty about, and certainly not something that should require an explanation.

Yet the guilt this conflict leaves is something few people find they are able to shake.

While so few parts of the grieving process could ever be considered simple, in this case a subtle shift in perspective could be what makes the difference.

When speaking to someone who reluctantly admits feeling this “guilt of relief” following the loss of a loved one, I offer one simple idea:

“You are not relieved that your loved one has died. You are relieved that a time in your life marked by stress, uncertainty and suffering is now over.”

Give it a try. See if this change in perspective can make a difference. Don’t make this process any harder than it has to be and let yourself off the hook when you can. You have been through one of the most difficult and challenging experiences a person can endure. If you are able to feel even a small sense of relief, it is not something to hide, but to embrace.

And remember that you aren’t alone in your grief, or in experiencing your guilt of relief. Our forums offer you a place to see and share stories of grieving with people who have gone through losses of their own.

There’s even a section called Life After Caregiving. If you feel like you can’t say the things you feel out loud, start there. Share your experience with those who have been where you’ve been.

When the Person Who Helped You Feel Safe Dies

Grief is often described as heartbreak, sadness, or longing. But for many grieving individuals, one of the most confusing and distressing experiences is feeling emotionally unsafe after a loss.

People often say things like:

“I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”
“Everything feels harder than it used to.”
“I don’t know how to calm myself down.”
“I feel anxious or numb all the time.”

These reactions are deeply rooted in attachment and the loss of co-regulation. And within the GRIEF Ladies Framework: Grounding, Rebuilding, Interacting, Evolving, and Finding, this kind of loss often shakes the very first trail marker: Grounding.

Attachment and Emotional Safety

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded through decades of research, helps explain why certain losses feel especially destabilizing. Humans are biologically wired to seek safety through connection. From early childhood through adulthood, attachment relationships help us feel secure, regulated, and supported during times of stress.

Attachment figures, including parents, spouses, close friends, and even our children, are often the people we turn to when we are overwhelmed, worried, or distressed. They help us:

• Calm our nervous system

• Organize our emotions

• Think through our decisions

• Feel grounded

• Help us feel safe

Over time, these relationships become part of how emotional regulation happens.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation refers to the process by which our nervous systems are soothed, stabilized, and organized through connection with others.

A partner’s reassuring voice at the end of a stressful day.
A parent’s steady presence letting you know things will be okay.
A loved one helping you think clearly during a crisis.

These are examples of co-regulation in action. Often, we are not consciously aware of how much co-regulation a relationship provides until it is gone.

When someone who served as a primary source of emotional regulation dies, grief includes more than missing the person. It includes the loss of emotional safety and nervous system stability.

And that is why grief can feel so physically and emotionally disorienting.

When a co-regulator dies, many grieving individuals experience:

• Increased anxiety or panic

• Overwhelmed with emotions

• Numbness or shutdown

• Difficulty making decisions

• Exhaustion, even after a full night of sleep

• A sense of being “lost”

These reactions are not signs of weakness or pathology. They are common nervous system responses to the loss of a co-regulator. The body is adjusting to the absence of someone who helped it feel safe.

Within the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this often impacts more than just Grounding:

• Rebuilding feels harder because routines were shared.

• Interacting changes because the person you turned to is no longer physically present.

• Evolving can bring roadblock emotions like anger, guilt, or fear.

• Finding meaning may feel impossible in the early stages.

When someone functioned as your “safe base” or emotional anchor, their death disrupts not only daily life, but also your internal compass.

Staying Connected Without Staying Stuck

For many years, grief was framed as a process of “letting go.” We now know that this is not current. Research supports that maintaining a connection with the person who died can be healthy and adaptive.

In the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this connects closely with Finding.

Many grieving individuals continue to experience support through:

• Talking about their loved one and asking, “What would they say to me in this situation?”

• Carrying forward their loved one’s values

• Rituals that honor the person’s life, such as lighting a candle on hard days

• Moments of felt connection during stress

• Staying connected to pets or safe people who offer comfort

Staying connected does not mean avoiding grief or refusing to move forward. For many, it is precisely what helps regulate the nervous system and create meaning after loss.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety After Loss

Healing after the death of an attachment figure is not about replacing the person who died. It is about rebuilding emotional safety in new ways. Within the GRIEF Ladies Framework, this often looks like walking through each trail marker intentionally:

Grounding

Learning nervous system regulation skills, including practicing breathing exercises, building body awareness, and making sure you are getting enough sleep.

Rebuilding

Energy mapping: identifying what drains you, what restores you, and how to pace yourself in grief and re-establishing small, predictable routines.

Interacting

Expanding safe sources of connection. Allowing others to support you, even if it feels different than before.

Evolving

Practicing self-compassion during emotional waves. Understanding that anger, guilt, fear, or jealousy are often protective emotions.

Finding

Engaging in ways to stay connected to your loved one and exploring how the relationship continues internally, even as life changes externally.

Over time, many grieving individuals learn to offer themselves some of the reassurance and compassion they once received from others while still honoring the ongoing bond with their loved one.

If grief has made you feel emotionally unsafe, anxious, or disconnected, it may not be because you are grieving incorrectly. It may be because your nervous system lost one of its primary sources of safety.

Grief is not only about losing someone you love. It is also about learning how to live and feel safe without the person who helped regulate your emotional world.

GRIEF & YOUR ENERGY

Why grief feels exhausting… and what helps

Have you noticed grief makes everyday tasks feel harder?

You may feel:
• Mentally drained
• Emotionally overwhelmed
• Socially exhausted
• Physically tired

You are not imagining this.

Grief requires a huge amount of nervous system energy.

Many grieving people worry:
“I should be able to handle more.”

But grief is heavy.

Imagine carrying an invisible backpack filled with memories, emotions, and change… all day long.

Of course you get tired.

This is where ENERGY MAPPING can help.

Energy mapping helps you notice:

✔ What drains your energy
✔ What restores your energy
✔ What feels meaningful but still exhausting
✔ How to pace yourself in grief

Some experiences have TWO types of energy cost:

Physical Energy: How much effort your body uses

Emotional Energy: How much grief or stress it activates

Both matter.

Examples:

Talking about your loved one
💛 Meaningful
⚡ Emotionally draining

Family gatherings
💛 Important
⚡ Physically and emotionally tiring

Resting afterward is not weakness.
It is support.

Try this simple reflection:

👉 After I do __________
👉 My body usually feels __________

Awareness helps you plan care instead of pushing through exhaustion.

One helpful strategy is called Recovery Pairing.

This means: Pair draining experiences with supportive ones.

Examples:
Grief ritual → quiet walk
Social event → alone time
Therapy session → calming music or journaling

Grief changes capacity.

Energy mapping helps you work WITH your capacity instead of fighting it.

Pacing grief is how many people survive it.

💬 Reflection Question:
What is one activity that drains your energy right now… and one that helps restore it?

How to Live with Loss

Many people search for this in the middle of the night:

How do I get over this?
How do I move on?
How do I make this stop hurting?

The truth is, grief is not something you get over. It’s something you learn to live with.

In the Beginning, Grief Can Take Over Everything
In the first few days, weeks, and even months following the death of a loved one, grief often feels overwhelming. It can impact:

• Your sleep

• Your focus

• Your relationships

• Your work

• Your sense of identity

• Your ability to plan for the future

It can feel like grief is touching every part of your life at once. When you're feeling that it’s common to want relief and fast.
As you move forward, grief often looks and feels different. It may not dominate every moment of your day. The waves may become less constant. You may find ways to function, to laugh again, to engage in life. That doesn’t mean the grief is gone.
It means you are growing around it.

Some people describe it this way: your grief doesn’t necessarily shrink, but your life begins to expand. You grow bigger than your grief. There is more room inside you for joy, connection, purpose, and memory alongside the pain.
The love is still there. The loss is still real. But it isn’t consuming every breath.

So What Actually Helps?

You don’t “get over” a loss by forcing yourself to move on. You learn to live with it by:

• Developing coping skills for when waves hit

• Rebuilding routines and structure

• Learning how to talk about your grief

• Finding ways to stay connected to the person who died

• Allowing both hard emotions and moments of relief

This is the kind of practical, real-life approach we focus on inside the GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community, a place where people share what it’s really like to live with loss and support one another through it.

There is no deadline for healing. There is no requirement to “be done” with your grief. Learning to live with loss is a gradual process. And it’s okay if you’re still in the part where it feels heavy. You are not behind. You are grieving.

Is My Grief Normal?

Many grieving individuals worry if what they are feeling is normal, or if what they’re feeling is too much, not enough, or somehow wrong. This is one of the most common questions people ask after the death of someone they love.

In grief groups, we constantly hear:
“I am going to say something that might sound crazy, but…”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
And almost every time, heads nod around the room in agreement

The reality is that while grief is unique, many grieving individuals experience similar reactions.

Common and normal grief symptoms include:

• Grief brain (forgetfulness, brain fog, difficulty concentrating)

• Grief Bursts: sudden waves of emotion or tears “out of nowhere.”

• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, a tight chest, or extreme exhaustion

• Sleep changes- extreme exhaustion, trouble falling or staying asleep

• Increased anxiety or irritability

• Feeling disconnected from friends and family

• Deep loneliness

• Questioning your faith or worldview

• Feeling okay one moment and a complete mess the next

  These are all very normal reactions, and this list could go on and on. Grief does not move through predictable stages. It does not follow a straight timeline. It often comes in waves, and there is no timeline for how long this will last.

  
  If you want to hear real conversations about what grief actually feels like, including grief brain, triggers, and why waves happen, we talk openly about this on the GRIEF Ladies podcast, where we normalize the parts of grief people are often afraid to say out loud. Check out new episodes every Wednesday, which is available on all major podcast platforms and YouTube at: GRIEF Ladies - YouTube

Family Support While Grieving: Why It Can Feel So Complicated

By Karyn Arnold, one of the GRIEF Ladies from Grief In Common

For many people, family support while grieving quickly becomes the hardest place to feel steady after loss — and that can come as a real surprise.

They knew the person. They loved them too. Surely this would be the place where support came most naturally. This was supposed to feel familiar, or at least steady. When that doesn’t happen, the disappointment can run deep. People are often left wondering why something they counted on no longer feels there.

What follows often goes beyond frustration. Loneliness sets in. A sense of safety disappears. A quiet worry creeps up: Is something broken in my family now? Is this how it’s always going to feel?

Family Support While Grieving Isn’t Shared in the Same Way

One of the biggest sources of tension in grieving families comes from the belief that everyone is mourning the same loss.

Even when the person is the same, the loss is not.

• A partner loses the person they built daily life with.

• A child loses a parent.

• A sibling loses shared history.

The day-to-day impact also differs, especially for the family member(s) who shared living space with the person who is gone.

Grief becomes harder when we expect one another to cope, feel, or recover in similar ways — or on the same timeline. When no one names those expectations, misunderstandings grow quickly.

When the Struggle Isn’t Just With the Family You Were Born Into

For some, the strain shows up with parents or siblings. For others, it hits closer to home.

A spouse may want things to “get back to normal.” Children may feel uncomfortable with your sadness. Loved ones may rush, minimize, or avoid grief because they don’t know how to sit with it.

The sense of isolation can grow when you aren’t feeling supported or understood in your own home, and some of the disappointment can feel greatest with the family we chose.

When Support Comes From Somewhere Unexpected

Many grieving people feel surprised when they start leaning more on friends, coworkers, or people outside their family.

That shift can feel unsettling.

Often, it has less to do with love and more to do with capacity. Family members are grieving too. They may feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. Someone a step outside the inner circle may simply have more room to listen or stay steady.

This is why finding grief support outside the family matters so much.

When Grief Strains — or Breaks — the Family System

Sometimes these changes stay quiet. Other times, they explode.

Grief exposes old dynamics, unresolved conflicts, and long-standing family roles. Disagreements can escalate fast, especially around money, the estate, or decision-making. When that happens, it can feel like the loss fractured the family itself.

Here’s what matters: conflict during grief does not mean a family is permanently broken. It means the system is under extreme strain.

Why We Talk About Family Support While Grieving

This is one of many reasons Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty came together to create the GRIEF Ladies.

Together, they bring nearly 50 years of professional grief experience, supporting people through the loss of spouses, parents, siblings, and complicated family relationships. The GRIEF Ladies includes a website, podcast, Facebook community, upcoming book series, and ongoing grief education.

Family strain is only one part of the work — but it is a deeply painful one.

Again and again, people ask the same question:
Why does this hurt so much with the people who matter most?

How the GRIEF Framework Helps When Family Support Falls Apart

Family conflict is just one way grief shows up, but it highlights something important. You cannot fix or change anyone else. You cannot undo what happened.

What you do have is the present — and yourself within it.

The GRIEF framework guides where your time, energy, and attention can go when everything feels out of control. It offers clear direction for caring for yourself in ways that actually help.

G — Grounding

Grief affects the nervous system and the body, not just emotions. When family support while grieving feels unreliable, many people ignore basic needs to hold everything together.

Grounding means caring for yourself as an individual, even during family stress.

Sleep, food, focus on breath, and movement matter more than most people expect. Supporting your body helps stabilize your emotions when everything else feels shaky.

R — Rebuilding

Loss disrupts routines, roles, and identity. Family systems once revolved around the person who is gone. Now everyone is adjusting.

Rebuilding structure and boundaries helps you stay steadier during difficult interactions. Even small routines create predictability when everything feels unfamiliar — including your family.

I — Interacting

Interacting focuses on how grief changes communication and connection.

It includes naming needs, understanding that everyone grieves differently, and keeping expectations realistic. It also means making space for hard conversations that help preserve relationships as they shift.

Sometimes a simple, “I’m having a hard time — how about you?” opens more ground than silence ever could.

E — Evolving

Grief brings emotions many people don’t expect: anger, guilt, regret, resentment. These feelings often show up in families, where history runs deep.

You may feel angry about decisions, resentful of behavior, or hurt by how your loved one was treated. These reactions can feel uncomfortable or even shameful.

They are also normal.

Anger often sits right beside sadness. These feelings need somewhere to go. Talking with a trusted friend, journaling, or joining a grief group helps release what builds up inside. You don’t have to act on every thought — but you don’t need to carry them alone.

F — Finding

Loss raises questions without quick answers: Who am I now? What does my family look like? Where do I find support?

Finding doesn’t mean resolving everything. It means noticing what supports you now and letting that be enough for the moment.

Rather than deciding what your family will look like forever, focus on what helps you get through today and this week. Support can take new forms without meaning something has been lost for good.

This Isn’t (or Doesn’t Have To Be) How It Will Always Be

That fear — that your family is broken or that things will always feel this strained — is common.

It also isn’t the full story.

Families change under the weight of grief. Sometimes painfully.

With understanding, realistic expectations, and support that doesn’t rely on one person to carry everything, those bonds can survive — and sometimes even strengthen.

Work With Us

If struggles with family support while grieving feel familiar, this is just one example of the challenges the GRIEF framework was built to help with.

In their work as the GRIEF Ladies, Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty see grief show up in many ways — identity, routine, motivation, self-worth, relationships, and the question of how to live after loss.

The GRIEF framework offers structure when grief feels chaotic. It helps you put limited energy into places that support you, instead of trying to manage everything — or everyone — at once.

Through the GRIEF Ladies podcast, support offerings, video series, and upcoming book, the framework is explored in greater depth with practical tools you can return to as grief continues to change.

The goal is steady support — something to come back to when you feel overwhelmed, uncertain, or unsure what to do next.