Grief Making You Feel “Lazy”? Why It Happens & How To Help

Lazy. Such a strange word in the way that it can be used so differently throughout our lives. A lazy coworker or teenager can be a terrible source of frustration but a lazy Sunday can be one of our greatest joys.

In grief, I find it works a little differently. So often I speak with people who tell me they feel lazy or identify as this new lazy person that they don’t recognize – so new from the go go go that they were used to before.

In this respect these aren’t people enjoying the leisure of a well deserved break, but instead a frustrating new side of themselves that they don’t understand and can’t see a way out of.

So first and foremost, let’s start by changing the language. Because I don’t think lazy in any of the ways we’re used to saying it works for someone who has had a loss. The circumstances are too different, too extreme, and a change of our language and perspective may just be what we need to make the change.

Grief is exhausting. I say this all the time and EVERY griever I speak with quickly agrees, and yet…it’s this same person who doesn’t understand why they feel less motivated, interested, or energized.

I think it’s important that we start by recognizing and validating just HOW MUCH WORK it takes to grieve. Sure, it doesn’t look like much- from the outside it may not look like anything at all. Picture for a moment those cartoons where you can see the cogs and wheels inside a person’s brain, only imagine that the only thing turning around in there is grief.

And it’s not just sadness. It’s the questioning, the second guessing, the anger, regret, remorse, anxiety, worry and uncertainty. It’s the time travel of revisiting the past, unable to shake images of the last days, weeks or months. And the worry and uncertainty of the future. What now? Where do I go from here?

The quiet griever is actually quite busy in that head of theirs and unfortunately not too many of their thoughts can be viewed as anything close to positive.

So how do we help?

Start with the basics.

One of the first things I ask the people I’m working with is, “how have you been sleeping?”. The answers may vary but there’s no denying that whether a griever struggles to fall asleep, or has a hard time staying asleep, losing sleep in grief is a norm for many and it’s having a very big impact on their days.

How can we be expected to function during the day if we’re not sleeping at night? Grief brings with it such a deep sadness and sluggishness, we may not even recognize the role being tired is playing in our inability to heal. The exhaustion blends in so easily with the rest of the experiences of grieving.

So starting with the basics, we want to look at our sleep and make sure we’re getting enough of it. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes practice but a good night’s sleep is well within your grasp. To learn more you can read our previous article on sleep here: HOW TO GET A BETTER NIGHT’S SLEEP WHEN GRIEVING.

“Are you eating right?”. That’s another another question I ask of the people I work with. And by right I mean, are you eating often enough? Is it at least somewhat healthy and not all fast food or food that comes out of a can? While food is really such a big part of our days, at least in earlier parts of our life, the healing nature of it is sadly overlooked and can make a real difference in the energy we need to grieve. Just as athletes fuel up for their physical performance – a griever needs real nourishment if they’re going to have what it takes to get through their own emotional marathon. This too has been addressed in an earlier article and if you’re interested in learning more you can find it here: FOOD AS FUEL FOR SELF CARE AND HEALING.

Next, let’s think about the personality changes that happen after loss. There is nothing more visible than the very huge void a loved one leaves in their passing. So while it’s so easy to see just how much has changed in our routine and in the landscape of our life following loss, we don’t always realize just how much has changed in us.

Take a moment to think, just off the top of your head, 3 personality traits that you have identified with, or labeled yourself as, for most of your adult life.

Organized? Patient? Optimistic? Creative? Productive? Caring? Focused?

Now think about how many of those traits feel within your grasp, right now, in the very depths of grief.

Most will say that the strengths so easily available to them in earlier parts of life seem so out of reach when grieving. And it’s this that also adds to that feeling of “lazy”. Because let’s face it….who cares and what does it matter?

I often hear people use the phrase “matter of life and death” – as in, “call me back when you get a moment- it’s not a matter of life and death”. Translation?

It’s not important.

So many things in life prior to loss seem sooooo important. There are deadlines, plans, and expectations, and the desire to do everything just right.

But after loss? Not so much. It doesn’t seem so important anymore. After loss we realize that geez – basically nothing is a matter of life and death and after the death of someone we love, everything else seems just really really small and insignificant.

So who cares? Why bother?

I’ve had this question in some way or another asked so many times from so many people that I think together we’ve actually come up with some idea of an answer.

If looking at any effort we make as an attempt to change our life in a way so that it no longer reflects things that have happened and can’t be undone (like the loss of someone we love) than we’ll always be right: it won’t make a difference.

Nothing can change the reality of loss, and that takes a really long time to adapt to that information.

So it’s true: getting a good night’s sleep doesn’t make a loved one come back. Eating well doesn’t make a loved one come back. Making a new friend, or engaging in a hobby, or working in the garden or fixing up the house doesn’t make a loved one come back.

So what difference does it make? Well, perhaps if we do a few things differently and slowly find our way to some part of ourselves and our lives that are somewhat familiar and recognizable maybe we can make this new reality just a little more tolerable.

We already know what inaction looks like. What becoming stagnant and stuck, and what feeling “lazy” looks like.

Doing a few things to make life better may possibly do just that – make this life a little better.

You’re NOT lazy. Have compassion for yourself. Give yourself some grace. Be patient with yourself and this process.

All of those things rattling around in your head that are causing so much stress will often seem so unreachable and hard to solve, no matter how many exhausting times we go over it. Why? Because they are unreachable and unfixable. At least today. Today you can’t fix it all.

So take all of this one step at a time and start with the basics.

1. Validate this experience by understanding why grief is so hard and lasts so long.

2. Improve your sleep – and do not expect anything else to improve until that does.

3. Make sure you’re eating well. Nourish yourself. Take care of yourself on this very basic level and remember – it matters, and you matter.

4. Be patient. Take this one day at a time, one hour at a time, and don’t let the overwhelming nature of it overwhelm you, make you stagnant or slow you down.

5. Change your perspective and consider the alternatives. We already know what this (current state of grief) looks like. What would one small change do and could it bring you even one step closer to healing?

No, this isn’t the life you planned for or expected and it’s not the one you wanted or asked for. But don’t give up on trying to make it better. Because it just may work.

Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

If you’re wondering how to rebuild your life after someone dies, you’re not alone. Loss can shatter routines, disrupt your sense of identity, and make everyday tasks feel overwhelming.

In this episode (23) of The GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn Arnold and Kelly Daugherty are joined by grief counselor and hospice expert Kat Farace to explore what “rebuilding” really means after loss. We talk about why routine matters in grief, how small daily structure can support your nervous system, and why rebuilding isn’t about “moving on” — it’s about learning how to live forward while carrying love with you.

In this conversation, you’ll learn:

• Why grief disrupts your daily rhythms

• How to gently reintroduce routine without pressure

• The role of self-care in early and ongoing grief

• Why community support matters when everything feels unstable

• Practical coping tools to help you feel more steady

This episode connects to the Rebuilding trail marker in our G.R.I.E.F. Framework — focusing on structure, routine, and small steps that create stability in the midst of emotional upheaval.

If you’ve been feeling unmoored, exhausted, or unsure how to function after loss, this episode offers validation, realistic strategies, and encouragement for wherever you are in your grief journey.

Guest Bio:

Kat Farace is an author, speaker, and grief coach with over 25 years of experience in hospiceand end-of-life care, walking alongside individuals and families through life’s most profound moments of loss, love, and transition. Her work is grounded in compassion, honesty, and the deep belief that grief—while never chosen—can become one of our greatest teachers.

Through decades of hospice service, Kat has supported thousands of people as they navigated death, dying, and bereavement, gaining rare insight into the emotional, spiritual, and relational realities of grief. Her approach blends professional expertise with heartfelt presence, offering guidance that is both practical and deeply human.

Kat is the author of the upcoming book Grief the Teacher: The Teacher We Never
Wanted—With the Lessons Only Love and Loss Can Teach, to be released in Spring 2026. In
it, she explores grief not as something to “get over,” but as an experience that reshapes us,
challenges us, and ultimately invites growth, meaning, and connection.

Kat creates space for real conversations about loss—conversations that honor pain while also making room for hope, resilience, and love. Whether speaking to the newly grieving or those carrying loss for a lifetime, she brings a steady, compassionate presence that reminds listeners they are not alone.

Kat Farace’s work continues to reach audiences through coaching, speaking engagements, and storytelling that normalizes grief, dismantles shame, and gently illuminates the path
forward—one honest conversation at a time.

Connect with Kat: 

Website: https://www.balanceingrief.com 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/balanceingrief/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/balanceingriefcom

🎙 Listen to Episode 23: Grief and Routine: Why Structure Matters After Loss with guest, Kat Farace

Available now on YouTube and all podcast platforms.

Perfectionists, People Pleasers & Grief

Perfectionists. People Pleasers.

Some will immediately relate to these labels, and some maybe not so much. Yet most people I work with exhibit at least some of these traits, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. For the perfectionists, it may come as an almost badge of honor. A commitment they’ve made to themselves to do everything the best they can, without fail, in every single category of their life. The people pleasers may not be as satisfied with that title. But they also understand it as a necessary skill to function in their lives, and as a way to get along with the people around them. 

But what happens when life falls apart? Expectations for ourselves often remain the same, but how can they when EVERY SINGLE THING in life has changed? Do these old habits and old roles still work?

Let’s start by understanding what it really means to be a perfectionist or a people pleaser. While I work with (and know personally) plenty of people who possess both tendencies, there’s nothing saying that one has to go with the other. In order to understand where you may fit, it’s important to explore each on their own first.

There are a lot of perfectionists in this world.

It can show up in the way a person interacts with others, or how they keep themselves or their home. As a result, a standard and expectation becomes set and it can be very hard to do anything without having to do it really well, all the time.

People pleasers are a little different.

This behavior often comes from childhood, and is a learned response to safety and inclusivity with the world and people around us. People pleasers put others’ needs ahead of their own and for the most part, they’re doing this to the extreme.

So why does it matter in grief?

First: it’s not sustainable. The old habits and old ways of doing things only work when everything else in life is going okay. Next, competing with your “old self” will only create a greater contrast of who you are now, compared to who you used to be. This can add to the intense pressure, unfamiliarity, and uncertainty that a griever is feeling on a daily basis.

The problem with perfectionists and grief.

If you have always tried to do everything “right”, you may already be used to some of the pressure and stress that comes with it. But now you’ve had a significant loss, and you’re likely experiencing a level of stress that you never have before. You can barely think straight. How can you be expected to do the “right thing” when NOTHING feels right anymore?

In grief, being a perfectionist can actually equate to something that most would feel is far from perfect = procrastination. Decision making is a huge task in grief and if the old habits of perfectionism continue, a griever may find themselves making no decisions at all. The fear of doing the “wrong” thing may leave you feeling stuck, even hopeless.

Diminished self-esteem is also a huge concern for any griever, and if you feel that you are constantly falling short, your image and self worth will only sink lower.

The reason why people-pleasing tendencies can’t continue.

Unlike the perfectionists who are trying to make things just right in their own lives, people pleasers are trying to do it for everyone else instead. Here’s the problem when it comes to life after loss – a griever doesn’t even know what they need or how to make themselves feel any peace. So how can they be expected to anticipate the needs of anyone else?

It doesn’t help that some of the biggest challenges in grief come from those around you. Whether it’s in the form of real or perceived expectations, most people feel very disconnected from their loved ones following loss. Managing the emotions and needs of others takes the kind of higher-order thinking that a person in grief just doesn’t have access to. And for most it’s not a case of not wanting to be a help or support to others. They just may feel that they no longer can.

How to stop being a perfectionist or people pleaser today.

I often make comparisons to physical health when describing grief. When it comes to our physical health, we are much more understanding of what we can and can’t do. If you have a broken arm, you would never expect to be able to help a friend move their couch. And your friend wouldn’t ask you to.

But what about the brokenness that comes with grief? Can we take a more honest look at what we actually can and can’t do emotionally? And can we start reframing our interactions with ourselves and others accordingly?

This is where change begins.

First, in observation. Watch yourself and your thoughts. What are your expectations for yourself? Consider what old instincts are kicking in and how often you are telling yourself that you “should” be doing something. And then consider the reality of whether you really can (or want to).

Next, in practice. You’ve got to start somewhere. If you’re a perfectionist and worried about how clean the house is (or isn’t), consider changing your standards. For now. Maybe at some point you’ll decide to go back to having the cleanest house on the block. But for now that just may not be something you have the energy for. Grief is exhausting. Use your energy wisely.

What about my friends and family?

How will they react if I’m no longer a perfectionist or people pleaser? We all know what we expect from ourselves, but we can’t deny that the people in our lives are probably expecting a lot too. Especially with the passage of time. It’s all well and good for me to give you permission to put a greater focus on yourself and your needs, but will the people around you allow for the same grace? Especially with each day that passes since your loss?

Start by giving yourself permission and know that in a lot of ways, that will be the hardest part. Validate every single reason why you can’t or don’t want to hold yourself to the same expectations as before. And give yourself permission to only do or commit to what you can.

The people around you may need time to adapt, and that’s okay. Communicate. Don’t apologize. If they’re asking, let them know what this process is like for you. And why you need to make some changes in order to survive.

In the end, this grief is your business.

No one else gets to decide what you need in grief. It’s important to remind yourself (regularly!) that you’re doing the best you can. And when you’re feeling like that best isn’t so great, know that how you feel now isn’t how you’ll always feel. Grief is always changing and your needs, wants, limitations, and abilities will all change with it.

For all the perfectionists and people pleasers in this world, I leave you with this. If you’re going to please anyone right now, try pleasing yourself first. Find peace and comfort in little moments whenever you can. And remember that these tendencies were never good for you to begin with. There’s some real growth that can come out of the brokenness of loss. Start today by resetting the expectations you have for yourself, and find growth and perhaps a new strength, in the healing that follows.

Want to read more of Karyn’s blogs visit Grief in Common

Why You Can’t Sleep After Someone Dies

If sleep has felt impossible since someone died, you’re not imagining it.

Many grieving people struggle with sleep issues, either falling asleep, staying asleep, or both, even if they’ve never had sleep problems before. You might feel exhausted all day, only to lie awake at night. Your mind replays conversations. The house feels too quiet. The bed feels different. Nights stretch longer than they used to.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

In Episode 22 of The GRIEF Ladies Podcast, we talk openly about why sleep becomes so disrupted after loss and what you can actually do about it.

Why Does Grief Make Sleep So Hard?

After someone dies, everything shifts: your routines, your sense of safety, even your daily rhythms. Nighttime can amplify the absence. There are fewer distractions. More silence. More space for thoughts to wander.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why grief impacts sleep

• Why nights tend to feel more intense

• The difference between temporary sleep disruption and longer-term insomnia

• What’s normal (and what’s common) after a loss

Practical Tools You Can Try Tonight

This isn’t just a conversation about why sleep is hard; it’s about what might help.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Gentle wind-down strategies that don’t feel overwhelming

• Simple shifts that make your sleep space feel more supportive

• Small rituals that can ease nighttime intensity

• Practical ideas you can experiment with right away

No unrealistic advice. No pressure to “fix” your grief. Just real conversation and doable steps.

Grounding When Everything Feels Disrupted

This episode connects to the Grounding trail marker in our GRIEF Framework — focusing on small, steady practices that help you feel more stable when everything feels off balance.

If your days feel foggy and your nights feel long, this conversation is for you.

🎙 Listen to Episode 22: Why You Can’t Sleep After Someone Dies (Grief & Insomnia Explained)
Available now on YouTube and all podcast platforms.

If sleep has been one of the hardest parts of your grief, we hope this episode feels like someone sitting beside you in the dark offering understanding and something practical to try.

Loneliness and Grief

Why Do I Feel So Alone? Why Does No One Understand Me?

We hear this all the time:
“I can be in a room surrounded by friends and family and still feel completely alone.”

After someone dies, many people begin to question:

• Does anyone actually understand what I’m going through?

• Do people even recognize me anymore?

• Why do I feel so different from everyone else?

• Why does it feel like the world moved on, and I didn’t?

This kind of loneliness is one of the most painful parts of grief.

Loss changes you. It changes how you see the world. It can shift your priorities, your tolerance for small talk, your patience, your energy. You may find that conversations feel surface-level. You may not have the capacity to pretend you’re okay. You may feel like people expect you to “be back to normal.” That disconnect can create a deep sense of isolation even when you’re not physically alone.

In the early days after a death, support is usually visible. Meals are dropped off. Messages are constant. Cards come in the mail. People check in. But as weeks and months pass, the outside world often quiets down as they go back to their everyday lives and the reality of the loss sinks in for you. Your grief may still feel intense, but fewer people are asking how you’re doing. The lack of support can feel frustrating, confusing and painful.

It can lead to thoughts like:

• Maybe I should be further along.

• Maybe I’m too much for them. I don’t want to be a burden.

• Maybe people are tired of hearing about me talk about him/her.

Most of the time, people aren’t intentionally pulling away. They simply don’t know what to say or how to stay present in someone else’s pain.

You Are Not the Only One Who Feels This Way:

Feeling lonely in grief does not mean you are weak or dramatic. It’s a common experience.
Many grieving people say that the most relieving moment is hearing someone else describe exactly what they’ve been thinking but were afraid to say out loud.

What Can Help With Grief and Loneliness?

You can’t force everyone to understand your grief. But you can:

• Seek spaces like the GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community, where grief is openly discussed

• Identify one or two people who feel safe to be honest with

• Allow yourself to step back from conversations that feel draining

• Connect with others who are also living with loss in a grief group

Loneliness in grief is common. It doesn’t mean you are broken. It means you are carrying something significant. And you deserve spaces where your grief is understood.

Finding: Transforming Grief Through Continued Bonds with Dave Roberts

New Podcast Episode: 2/11/26

In this episode of the GRIEF Ladies podcast, hosts Kelly Daugherty and Karyn Arnold welcome Dave Roberts to discuss the concept of continued bonds in grief.

They explore practical strategies for maintaining connections with deceased loved ones, the importance of shadow work, and how to find meaning in grief.

The conversation emphasizes the evolving nature of grief, the significance of celebrating the lives of loved ones, and offers practical advice for navigating the grief journey.

Listen on all major podcast platforms and YouTube at: https://youtu.be/enkLhjcheHk?si=lsfdQLSshEKasJjU