Is It Normal to Feel Angry, Guilty, and Resentful When You're Grieving?
Yes — and not only is it normal, these emotions are part of how grief actually works. Anger at the person who died. Guilt over things said or left unsaid. Resentment toward people whose lives seem untouched by loss. These are some of the most common experiences grieving people have, and some of the least talked about. In Episode 5 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn and Kelly name them directly — and explain why they deserve your attention rather than your shame.
What are the "ugly" emotions of grief and why do they show up?
Karyn and Kelly call them the derailers: guilt, anger, regret, and resentment. They show up in all kinds of ways. You might find yourself furious at a doctor, or quietly resentful when a friend complains about their parents who are still alive, or stuck replaying a moment when you lost patience with the person who died. And then — almost immediately — comes the guilt for feeling any of it.
What makes these emotions so hard to navigate is that they rarely travel alone. They tangle together. You feel angry at your loved one for dying and then guilty for the anger. You feel resentment and then shame about the resentment. Karyn notes she has yet to meet a grieving person who didn't carry some level of guilt — regardless of how present, devoted, or close they were to the person who died.
Research on self-compassion and grief suggests that self-critical thought patterns — including guilt and shame — are among the most significant predictors of prolonged grief. Practices that reduce self-judgment have been shown to improve grief outcomes over time. (Sources: Neff, K. — self-compassion research; bereavement and complicated grief literature)
Do these emotions serve a purpose, or are they just keeping you stuck?
Both — and that tension is exactly what makes them so hard to work through. Karyn is clear in the episode: these emotions are not pointless. They are not a sign that something is wrong with you. Kelly describes how guilt and anger can sometimes function as a distraction from the core sadness underneath, which can feel even more painful to sit with. In that way, the "ugly" emotions are actually doing something — even when what they're doing is keeping you from moving forward.
The goal is not to get rid of them. It is to understand them well enough that they stop running the show. Feelings and thoughts are not facts, as Kelly says — but in the middle of grief, that loop is very hard to break without the right support and tools.
Karyn and Kelly go deeper on all of this in the full episode, including what it actually looks like to start untangling these emotions: Listen to Episode 5 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast → LINK: https://youtu.be/x3BKKoWBPv4?si=6AAFU7TkA0U-RMjN
Other GRIEF Ladies Podcast Episodes:
Why Does Grief Affect the Way You See Yourself? → LINK: https://youtu.be/x3BKKoWBPv4?si=evcw3fEEpnDbg_cs — The second half of this topic: how grief impacts self-esteem and what to do about it.
Why Do Relationships Feel So Different After Someone Dies? → LINK: https://youtu.be/ZK6kiFNrImw?si=99YDK6U5nGKMaLAb — Episode 4 on navigating expectations, loneliness, and the relationships that shift after loss.
What Is the G.R.I.E.F. Framework and How Does It Work? → LINK: https://youtu.be/_0ld4dnUT7I?si=Aj2xmYBprpzckm6g — An overview of all five pillars and the thinking behind this approach.
