Feeling Stuck in Grief? You Are Not Alone — and Here Is Why It Happens

Recently, Karyn and I were doing a live for our GRIEF Ladies Facebook Community and we were asked this question:

“My husband died five years ago, but I feel stuck and frozen. I understand that grief doesn’t have a timeline, but I can’t seem to make any progress with moving forward. I don’t care about much. I have no motivation or interest in things. I’ve tried therapists and a grief group, but nothing seemed to help.”

If any part of that resonates with you, please know: what you are experiencing is real, it is common, and there are reasons it happens. Here is a summary of how we answered this question.

Why Grief Can Feel Harder as Time Goes On

It might seem counterintuitive, but many people find that grief becomes more difficult — not easier — after the first year or two. Early grief, while devastating, often comes with what we describe as a kind of “novelty.” There is a lot happening: practical decisions to make, people around you, rituals to attend to. You are in motion, even if that motion is painful.

As time passes, the busyness fades. The people around you may have moved on. And suddenly you are left with a quieter, heavier question: “What now? Is this it?” That stillness can strip away motivation and leave you feeling like nothing will ever change.

There is also the issue of comparison. When we look at our current life in grief, we often measure it against the life we had before our loss. That is an incredibly painful comparison to make, and it can quietly fuel a sense of hopelessness.

Your Nervous System May Be Keeping You Stuck

The word “frozen” is significant. It is not just a metaphor — it can be a physiological response. When we experience profound loss, our nervous system responds. For many people, especially those who lost someone who was their primary source of safety and connection, the nervous system can get locked into what is called a dorsal vagal response: collapse, shutdown, and numbness.

This is your body trying to protect you. It is not a weakness. It is not a character flaw. It is an old, hard-wired survival mechanism. Understanding this distinction matters, because the path forward is not about pushing harder or willing yourself to feel better — it is about gently and incrementally helping your nervous system feel safe enough to re-engage with life.

Roadblock Emotions That Keep Us From Moving Forward

Being stuck is often not just about sadness. Beneath the surface, other emotions frequently act as roadblocks:

•        Guilt — for feeling better, for moving forward, for moments of joy

•        Anger — at the loss, at circumstances, at the unfairness of it all

•        Fear — of the future, of forgetting your loved one, of who you are without them

•        Identity loss — “Who am I now?” is one of the most disorienting aspects of grief

One pattern we see frequently, particularly among widows and widowers: a deep-seated fear of feeling better. Many grieving people tell us they feel guilty when they experience happiness, as though moving forward is a betrayal of their loved one. We want to name this clearly — it is not. Moving forward is not leaving your person behind. It is learning to carry them with you.

Not All Therapy and Grief Support Is the Same

If you have tried therapy or a grief group and felt it did not help, please do not take that as evidence that nothing can help you. Consider this: only about 60% of therapists received any education in grief and loss during their training. That means a significant number of well-meaning clinicians simply are not equipped to support grieving clients effectively.

Finding the right therapeutic support is a bit like finding the right bathing suit — the first one you try might not be the right fit, but that does not mean the right one is not out there. We would encourage you to seek out a grief-informed therapist or coach, someone who offers practical tools and not just a space to talk.

The same applies to grief groups. Peer-led groups offer real value, but a group facilitated by a grief-informed professional — one that is action-oriented and gives you tools and frameworks — can be a different experience entirely.

You Grow Around Your Grief — Not Past It

We want to offer one more reframe that we find genuinely helpful: you do not “get over” grief. Your grief does not disappear. What is possible — and what we have seen in our work again and again — is that you grow bigger than your grief. It is still there. But you expand around it.

That expansion happens through small, incremental steps. It happens through connection with others who understand. It happens through the right support, and through learning to move forward with your loved one — not without them.

A Note to Anyone Who Is Stuck Right Now

If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, we want you to hear this: you are not broken. You are not failing at grief. Your nervous system is doing what it was designed to do. Your emotions are real and valid. And the fact that you are still asking questions, still looking for support, still reaching out — that matters.

We wish none of us had to navigate this. But we do know that you do not have to navigate it alone. Join our GRIEF Ladies Community to hear more answers to our group members questions. Join here: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1AdC4voMEG/