What’s important to remember is that the friend or family member who is grieving doesn’t know what they want. Our instinct is to try and figure it out or get them to tell us what that is, but it can change from moment to moment. A grieving person often wants quiet times alone. Sometimes they want to talk and be with other people. There may be times they want to cry and share, and others where they want to laugh and forget. They don’t know when these moments are going to be, and so trying to anticipate or predict the wants and needs of someone who is grieving is nearly impossible. So don’t make that the objective. Instead understand what a grieving person needs is time, space, and understanding that even when they DON’T know what they want, they still know better than anyone else can. Meaning - abstain from giving from unsolicited advice. If you find yourself telling them what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do - don’t. They have an instinct for what they need and they are the expert at their own grief. Be the student and let them teach you what this process is like for them. Listen, be available, don’t rush or hurry, and try not to take things personally. Know that you will have your own needs and own grief through this and it’s okay to mourn not only the person who is died, but the person who you care about who is still here. There is a loss in both. Find outlets for yourself, take a break when you need it, and know that somehow in some way you will recognize this friend or family member again. It just may take more time than you think.

You do not need to find the perfect words. A simple, honest message such as “I’m so sorry,” “I’m here with you,” or “I’m thinking of you” can mean a great deal. It is often more helpful to acknowledge the loss and listen than to try to fix the person’s pain. You can also mention the person who died by name and invite your grieving friend to share memories, while respecting whether or not they feel ready to talk.

Try to avoid phrases that minimize the loss, rush the person’s grief, or suggest they should feel differently. Comments such as “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least they lived a long life,” or “You need to stay strong” may be intended as comfort but can feel dismissive. It is also best not to compare their experience with your own unless it genuinely helps them feel understood. Focus on listening, acknowledging their pain, and allowing them to grieve in their own way.

Keep checking in beyond the first few days or weeks, when support often begins to fade but grief is still deeply present. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and ordinary days can all feel difficult. A short message, invitation, or practical offer of help can remind the person that they have not been forgotten. There is no fixed timeline, so continue reaching out gently over time without expecting them to respond or be ready to socialize.